Life and Times of the Introvert: The Door Ajar

The crutch and the walker had been there for nine months, and Art had intimated that he eventually planned to remove them. “I was wondering if I could take those down to the curb?” Kate asked him the last time they intersected in the hallway. “Oh, sorry,” he laughed. “I’m kind of attached to them for some reason. I think I may use them in one of my theater productions.” Art was part-time therapist and part-time experimental theater man. He advertised his therapy sessions on street lamps and utility posts throughout the East Village in New York City, where he lived across the hall from Kate.

The other day he skulked through the hall complaining that someone was tearing down his signs—photocopied sheets of printing paper with grainy photos of himself, a brief description of his expertise and slips with his phone number. Leaning closer than was comfortable to Kate, he reenacted what he said to the culprit: “You do that again—and I’ll kill you.” Kate knew Art wasn’t violent, but he said the man he caught tearing down his signs seemed afraid.  Art said, as a therapist, he understood why the man would tear down his signs. “There’s something about signs—they can really mess with you—do something to your brain,” he said drilling a forefinger into the side of his head as he said it.

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Kate said, backing away slowly toward her apartment’s door, trying to make a graceful exit from the conversation. “Are you sure you don’t want help taking that stuff down to the curb?”

“No,” Art laughed again. “I’m sorry about that, but I’ll do it. Really, I’m sorry,” and he laughed again.

“It’s OK, but it—eventually—it would be nice if you could take it to the curb,” Kate said.  She laughed a little, but it was forced. She was irritated by the stack of books, the walker and the crutch that made the end of the floor their apartments shared look like an invalid’s ward. It was depressing to see those signs of decrepitude on the way in and out of her home everyday.  Art had a hip replacement surgery nearly a year earlier and hadn’t used the crutch or walker in over six months. Kate hadn’t seen him for months, and had just been grateful for the quiet. Then one day she saw him hobbling to his apartment on crutches and presumed he had suffered an accident. “How did you hurt yourself?” Kate asked. “I didn’t hurt myself at all,” Art said irritably as if she should have known. “I had both hips replaced.”

Art was liable to catch Kate in a conversation any time she came or left her apartment because his door was nearly always ajar. But Kate never looked inside to acknowledge him. She considered the slightly open door with radio on full blast or Art on the phone as an intrusion of her privacy—he was encroaching on the hallway’s shared space.  “What’s up? How’s it going?” he would say, popping out from the slightly opened door like a jack-in-the-box. Kate began to dread leaving and returning to her apartment, wishing there was a backdoor or an easy way up and down the fire escape.  She had never heard of anyone living in an apartment building in New York City with their door nearly always open a crack, and she found it disturbing. One morning while brushing her teeth, she heard Art watching pornography.  When she was awoken at around 4 a.m. one morning by Art arriving home (he usually left around 7 or 8 p.m. and came home between 3 and 4 a.m.) and kept awake by a door ajar with a blaring talk radio show, she left him a note tacked to his door.  The next day Kate found a note from Art (written on the reverse side of the note she had left him) posted to her door with his profuse apology. But the door continued to stay ajar throughout the day, including overnight with NPR blaring out. After confronting him several times face-to-face about turning the radio down and closing his door, Kate gave up, bought earplugs and used her ceiling fan (even when it was cold) to drown out the noise from his apartment.

But the noise flowing from his apartment in the middle of the night and early in the morning wasn’t enough. Art, who once lived on a kibbutz in Israel, seemed to crave the communal life and couldn’t resist spreading himself out into the hallway. The walker, the crutch and the stack of books may have been his way of reaching toward her, Kate thought. She realized that it was probably related to his love of living a communal life rather than insensitivity to her comfort, but she still felt irritated and encroached upon.

“But the crutch, the walker and the stack of books?” she said to Art during their latest hallway interaction when Art was on a tangent about experimental theater in Berlin (where he hadn’t been for at least 20 years). “Do you think it would be possible to remove them from the hall by next week?”

“Oh, sure, definitely,” he said. “What’s happening next week? Are you having guests?”

“No, it’s just getting cumbersome for me with all this stuff abutting my door. It would be great if you could get rid of it. I could help you take it down to the curb tomorrow if you want.”

“I’m sorry, I feel horrible,” he said. “I’m going to get rid of it this week. I’m going to move it to my office.” Oh, his office, thought Kate. She imagined a room at a YMCA or in a low-income housing building of some kind. Art bragged to her when she first moved in that his rent was only $370 a month, so she supposed he took advantage of that low rent (having lived in their rent stabilized building for at least 20 years, having his original rent set when the neighborhood was a slum) to also have an office.  His therapy sessions took place at the office and he also could be heard some mornings as she left for work talking to therapy clients over the phone from his apartment.

“OK, well, if you could do that that would be great,” Kate said, turning on her heel into her apartment. “Well, have a good night.”

The next few nights were quiet, with Art staying away from his apartment from around 7 p.m. to 5 a.m., as if he had a night shift job, which Kate knew from forced conversations with him that he didn’t. When she first moved in she figured he had a job like overnight subway engineer or operator that necessitated his strange schedule. When there was a mass transit strike a month after she moved in, and she heard Art’s radio blaring in the middle of the night, she was forgiving because she thought he was listening to find out if the strike were over and he would need to go back to work.  When the strike let up and there were no other local crises and the overnight blasting radio through the door ajar continued, she was less forgiving, and one night at around 4 a.m. , had enough and banged on his door to no avail. The door wasn’t open wide enough to see him and she was too shy to push it open so she slunk back to her apartment to wait out the rest of the night and confront him the next day after work.

“I had no idea you could hear it in your apartment,” Art said apologetically. But why shouldn’t she hear his radio in her apartment, which was across a tiny hallway with his door ajar, Kate wondered to herself.

“I think if you could just keep your door shut all the way and maybe turn the volume down slightly—at the same time as you shut the door all the way—it would help a lot,” she said. “It’s just that my bedroom is directly across from the front door to your apartment, which you’re leaving open.”

Art raised his eyebrows at the mention of a bedroom. He lived in one of the building’s un-renovated apartments, which meant his apartment had just one large room with a kitchen at one end and a “living room” at the other end along with a small room with a toilet. There was a bathtub in the kitchen that was covered with a board during the day. The board allowed it to serve as a kitchen counter when it wasn’t in use as a tub.  He hadn’t done much to spruce up the place. He barely had any furniture—just a gray upholstered easy chair that looked like it came from a garage sale or the Salvation Army, possibly a small desk with a chair, and maybe a single bed in the corner. Every time Kate talked to him with her own door ajar in the hallway between their apartments, he eyed the inside of her place with longing, but not to live there. He just seemed to want to be let inside. “Wow, Reynolds did a good job with the renovations,” he said of their landlord as he looked over her shoulder into the little bit of her apartment he could spy from the hallway. “It’s small but it works for me,” Kate said trying to be kind as she backed into her doorway ready to shut and bolt lock the door as soon as she slipped inside.  “Anyway, if you could shut your door all the way and turn the radio down overnight, I would really appreciate it.”

The next night the same occurred. This time Kate didn’t wait until the next morning to confront Art. Instead she knocked on his door at around 2 a.m. “What’s up?” he said pushing open the already slightly opened door. “It’s 2 a.m. and your radio is blasting with your door wide open,” Kate snapped.  “Could you turn it down and shut your door all the way?” He looked at her, finally annoyed: “Well, I have to be able to hear it myself.” Kate thought it was funny that he seemed put out that he should have to worry about keeping his radio on low with his apartment door shut in the middle of the night. “It’s just the time of day—it’s not like it’s two in the afternoon,” she said. “But this is the only time I’m home,” he said.  Kate was eager to get back to bed so she didn’t take it further. “Alright, well, do whatever you can.” With that she stepped back in her apartment, closed, locked and drew the bolt chain across her door and went back to bed. Later on she wondered how it could be true that was the only time he was home.  If that were the only time he was home, then wouldn’t that time have to be reserved for sleeping rather than listening to the radio? She wondered where else he might sleep. Could he sleep on a bench or on the grass in a park, or maybe on a sofa in his office? She was puzzled but didn’t want to ask him any questions. The last thing she wanted to do was encourage him to start conversations with her.  When the summer came and he was gone for most of the night, she imagined him sleeping outside in Thompkins Square Park like a bum to escape the stuffiness of his un-air-conditioned apartment.  He appeared one day with a tottering pile of old books under each arm.

Kate smiled and said hello as she turned toward him in the hall after securing the lock on her door. “All these books were just left on the sidewalk,” Art said. “Someone must have died and his kids didn’t know what to do with all these books.” He was almost breathless he was so excited. “Oh,” said Kate smiling and trying her best to be friendly, or at least not off-putting, “You could sell them to The Strand.” Art had a more nuanced strategy. “They’re all mystery and true crime books so I’m going to sell them to this bookstore in the West Village that specializes in mysteries.” Kate couldn’t imagine to going to that trouble and found it sad that some old man’s collection had been left on the sidewalk instead of being distributed among relatives. The collection was probably a prized possession and it was now in the hands of Art who would sell it for pocket change. It was depressing.

“You probably won’t get much for them—you could keep them or give them to friends,” Kate said. Art gestured toward his stagnant and building stack of books in the hall and laughed. “Don’t have room. Do you want some of them?” Kate didn’t have any room either, so she shook her head. “How are you going to be get them over to the West Village?  Won’t the cab fare be as much as you’d get for the books?” He laughed and nodded his head. “Maybe, but I’d like to see. You want to come with me?”

“No,” Kate said immediately without considering it. “Thanks for asking but I’m in the process of organizing my kitchen things.” Art laughed as if he didn’t believe her and began loading the mystery books into an abandoned grocery store shopping cart he kept in the corner of his kitchen. “Suit yourself.”

Kate didn’t see Art for a few days but heard and smelled him through the crack in his door as she passed by on her way into her apartment. His radio on full blast, she could hear it as she climbed the steps and smelled what she thought might be mustiness as she paused just long enough to turn the lock on her door. She sped through it always hoping he wouldn’t pop his head out at her—“How’s it going? What’s new?” Kate jumped as Art’s door creaked open. That creak had become like an alarm clock from her inner world. She tried to just smile, say hello and turn on her heel into her apartment, but he stopped her. “I saw you today on Broadway but you were somewhere else,” he laughed. “It’s like you didn’t even see me.”

“Oh, sorry about that,” Kate said. “I’m a big daydreamer and pretty spacey.”

“Take a look around you, see what’s around you,” he said.

“Yeah, you’re right, I should, but I like to live life in my inner world. I’m more of an introvert.”

“Don’t miss what’s happening around you,” he said sounding to Kate like a preacher or motivational speaker.  As long as he was hyped up and inspired maybe now was the perfect time to push him to finally move the walker, the crutch and the stack of books from the hallway.

“I was wondering,” she said, “if it would be possible to move that stuff in the hallway into your apartment?  I understand if you don’t want to throw it out yet, but if you could move it into your apartment, I would really appreciate it.”

“Oh, gee, I’m really sorry—sure thing. I’m just waiting to hear back from my friend Fred who works at the Salvation Army and my friend Amy who works at a thrift shop down the street to see if either of them wants it. I should know in the next few weeks.”

“OK, thanks.” Without the energy to argue about, it Kate went back into her apartment wondering when to involve the landlord who wanted Art out anyway.  Kate hesitated to involve the landlord not for Art’s sake but for her own. She thought it was unlikely the landlord would be able to kick Art out—he had been trying for years—and also that once Art found out she had complained about him, her situation would grow worse. Then, on top of living across a narrow hall from a perpetually ajar door with noise streaming from it, she would be living next door to a hostile neighbor. So, she would give Art exactly three weeks to get rid of his hallway junk—and then, and then—what? She knew she wouldn’t go to the landlord, so maybe she would just take the stuff to the sidewalk herself without asking, and if he objected, she could then point out that she gave him his chance and he wasn’t doing anything himself, so she took matters into her own hands.

Sure enough, three weeks went by and the crutch, the walker and the stack of books remained, so after coming home from work one day, Kate carried it all to the sidewalk to be hauled off by the next garbage truck making its rounds. She didn’t see Art for the next few weeks, but a week after dropping his junk off on the curb she noticed a new assortment in the hall—what looked like an urn with a Chinese-style trim of dragon designs; a painting of a clown, a child and a dog; and a straw basket with office papers and a pack of cards. It was like there was an ongoing garage sale in the narrow space between their apartments. He didn’t seem able or willing to keep his personal belongings to himself.

Kate peered into the as-usual ajar door and saw something she only glanced at for a split second before gasping, swinging on the balls of her feet and dashing into her apartment, locking and drawing the bolt chain across her door—Art with a shirt but no pants or underwear (big bare white rump) in the window frame. She guessed the cool breeze must have felt good airing out his private parts, and she couldn’t blame him, but that’s definitely the kind of thing a person should shut and lock the door before doing—and make sure there’s no unsuspecting person on the front receiving end of that view. Luckily, Kate believed his window looked out onto nothing but a vacant ally, but he should have known she would be passing by in the hall from the rear perspective.

A few days later, when she ran into him, Kate was too embarrassed to bring up the bare-rear-in-window-view incident, so she stuck to the new gathering of junk. “I hope you don’t mind, but I had to take down that stuff of yours to the curb last week. I had family visiting and wanted it to look nice,” Kate said lying about the visiting relatives. “Sure, no worries,” said Art.  “I was planning to get rid of it myself. You just beat me to the punch,” he said laughing. “Actually, about this new stuff,” said Kate, gesturing toward the urn-like vase, clown painting and straw basket filled with office papers and playing cards, “I was wondering if you could also move this stuff into your apartment or have it thrown away? I’m happy to help you carry it out to the curb, if you want.” He looked at her and laughed. “Here we go again! I’m sorry, no, no really. I’ll get rid of it all soon. I just have to get in touch with a friend of mine who wants me to donate it.”  Kate smiled and tried to laugh to be cooperative and keep the tone friendly.  A few days later the vase that looked like an urn was gone but a large white board was now leaning up against the wall (along with the remainder of the other junk—the basket with playing cards and the clown painting). It was a rotating carousel of personal junk connecting her closed, locked door to his forever ajar.

Kate decided to give Art one final warning before calling the landlord.  “I hate to do this, but I don’t know if I can live with all this stuff constantly in the hallway,” she said to him the next afternoon.  “If it doesn’t stop I’m going to have to talk to Reynolds about it.” Art looked surprised but without panic. Kate guessed she wasn’t the first person to talk to the landlord about Art. “It’s not getting in your way is it?” he said. “You can still get in and out of your apartment, right? You know, this is a common space between our apartments, for us to share. I choose to—from time to time—store a few transitional items in my share of the space. Did you ever think of it that way?”

Kate nodded and smiled politely as she listened. In fact she had thought of what he was saying, but the sprawl of the inner life of his apartment into the space she had no choice but to walk into everyday was disturbing. “Yes, actually, I have thought of that,” she said. “But, as a space we share we also have to be respectful of each other’s comfort, and I hate to say this—sorry, don’t mean to be difficult—but I’m not comfortable with all this stuff in the hallway all the time.” Her voice rose defensively toward the end and she looked away self-consciously. “Ok, Ok,” he sighed. “I’ll get rid of it.” Art was annoyed and turned away from her, ducking back into his apartment but, as always, he kept his door slightly open even with his back to her through the opening.

Not surprisingly to Kate, he didn’t get rid of it, so she called Reynolds, the landlord”: “I hate to complain about this—I feel bad about having to do it—but I was wondering if you could talk to my neighbor, Art West, about removing his stuff from the hallway we share? But don’t tell him I asked you. Maybe you could just say it needs to be removed because it’s a fire code violation.” Reynolds laughed in a big snort. “What? You don’t need to apologize. You don’t want his junk in the hallway, so he needs to get rid of it.” Kate began to panic thinking she’d just unleashed an uncomfortable situation for herself. “I know I don’t have to apologize or lie about it, but I don’t want to create an uncomfortable situation with Art. He’s my neighbor, so I have to see him all the time. I just want to keep things pleasant.” Reynolds laughed in a snort again. “OK, your choice. I’ll just ask him to get rid of the stuff. I won’t tell him you asked.”

A month later Art’s personal extensions still sprawled into the hallway. Kate wasn’t surprised because she knew she was easily disregarded—she was often disregarded for some reason—but she didn’t expect the landlord who had the power to kick Art out to be ignored. So, she gave Reynolds a call to see if he had ever bothered to talk to Art about the problem, like he said he would. “I talked to him, dear, but he’s stubborn. I can’t do nothing about it,” Reynolds explained over the phone. “It’s mean, but what if you told him that if he doesn’t clear out the hallway, you’ll kick him out?” Kate suggested. Reynolds laughed. “I wish it were that easy. He’s been living here for 30 years—with the laws in this city, it isn’t easy to get rid of him. I can’t even raise his rent more than 1, 2 percent a year. I tried, but he don’t listen to me.”

Kate began to think of her alternatives and searched the listings for apartments in her neighborhood, but soon became discouraged, finding nearly everything comparable out of her price range. Her building was rent stabilized, and to top that off, Reynolds hadn’t bothered to raise the rent at all in over five years.  Just when she was at the point of resolving to ignore Art’s encroachment, she came home to a succession of cages lining the walls—albeit with a space around her door so she could still access her apartment.  The cages looked large enough for those big colorful parrots who sit on pirates’ shoulders, but there were no parrots or any other bird—or anything else—in any of them. But they were all painted colors like bright pink, green, red, orange, neon yellow. The colors were brilliant and the cages might have made an interesting experimental art display at the Whitney Museum, but they surrounded her door waiting for a foot to get caught in them, a toe to be stubbed or the corner of a long coat or dress to catch. As Kate inspected the cages, she heard Art clamoring up the stairs, his sneakers squeaking. “What is this?” she asked irritably. “Oh, this,” he said, sweeping his hand across the cages. “My friend Bernice is having an art show for charity next week and Sandra, her brother-in-law’s cousin is doing a cage motif—an allegory, actually–” Kate interrupted him at that point, not able to continue listening because she just felt so mad to be surrounded by bright cages with just enough room to creep into her apartment at the end of the day. “Actually—actually, I don’t care!” she snapped, her voice breaking. “I can’t live like this! This isn’t fair to me.”

Art smiled kindly when he heard her voice breaking and saw her eyes begin to tear. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I had no idea it bothered you so much! But you can still get into your apartment, right? It’ll only be here for a few more days, I promise.”

Kate tried to suppress her crying, not wanting to embarrass herself. She downplayed her anxiety about the personal garbage surrounding her door. “It’s OK. I would just prefer to keep the hallway clear of our personal stuff. It’s nicer looking that way and safer—so nobody trips.”

Art was already on to something else by then, traipsing back into his apartment and out with a full-length mirror. “How do you think this would look stuck right here?” he said, pushing the mirror up against the dead end of hallway bordering their apartments. “Sure, I guess—whatever you want to do,” Kate said forcing herself to smile and then quickly getting away from him and behind her closed, locked and bolted door.

The next few weeks were a revolving hall of boxed nuisances liked birthday party noisemakers, dog chew toys that squeaked when brushed up against and novelty gags like plastic vomit and whoopee cushions. Art said it was for one of his upcoming experimental theater performances. The show, he said, was about adults who regress into their six-year-old selves remembering all the things they got punished for as children.  Kate was not amused. She was getting madder by the day and wondered constantly if the spillage of Art’s personal pursuits into their shared hallway was malicious and done out of spite.  She was so angry she wondered how to get rid of him. The landlord wouldn’t or couldn’t do a thing and he wasn’t going anywhere—he had been there nearly 30 years, after all, and at a rent that had barely changed since he first moved in.  Kate thought about making up stories about him to push him out; thought about giving him a shove out his window; about even buying a gun to get rid of him with. She would just claim self-defense (she was at least 50 pounds less). Or even buying a dozen fertile rats to throw into his always slightly opened doorway. Well, what are you going to do? You leave your door open a crack long enough, who’s to say rats won’t get thrown inside?

When Kate saw the stocky, balding, t-shirted frame of Art hanging black and white photo after photo on the concrete hallway wall one afternoon—she had grown so hopeless, she didn’t bother to question it anymore—she came up with an idea. “Oh, Art, I heard something I wanted to mention to you,” she said. “What’s up?” Art said in the springy tone that always made Kate think of a Jack-in-the-box. “Well, I noticed some men in here the other day who wouldn’t say who they were but were taking photos of the apartments and jotting down notes.”  Art looked up excitedly, raising his eyebrows and licking his lips like a dog contemplating whether to run for a ball. “I tell you, we’re getting closer and closer to living in a police state. I’m going to call Reynolds about this,” he said. Kate assumed her charade would end once Art called Reynolds, but she was having fun with it anyway. It was as if she was exacting a kind of revenge for the discomfort he brought into her life.

When Kate ran into Art next, a few days later, she prepared herself to control laughter as he told her how it turned out it was nothing—that he had spoken to Reynolds and the whole thing had been a misunderstanding. Instead, she found Art drilling into his door. Could he be installing a heartier lock—surely not. She bet it was just another of his crazy hallway art/personal garbage installations. “Hi,” she said smiling as she passed him by. “Another of your art projects, or should I say, a friend of a friend’s art project? ‘Eye through East Village Key holes?’” she joked.  Art didn’t laugh.

“You have no idea how devious these people are. I bet Reynolds hired a private investigation firm to check up on all of us—especially ones like me who don’t pay much—to see if he can find something on us to get rid of us with. You have no idea who these people are. Of course he denies it. I called Reynolds up about those photos you saw being taken and the people writing notes, and he played dumb—like he had no idea what I was talking about .You have no idea how devious these people are,” he ranted.

Kate felt a miracle had occurred. She wasn’t sure why she had lied about the spy photographers in the building except that it was fun, but now she couldn’t believe it had finally closed the door on Art—locked it actually. The coming weeks saw the removal of his personal extensions from the hallway into his locked apartment (Art couldn’t have the landlord’s spies taking pictures of his personal belongings, after al) and a door that was firmly closed and locked regardless of whether he was home. But the only problem was Kate still felt put upon whenever he popped out of his apartment after hearing her come up the steps or when they ran into each other on the street.

So one day: “Art, you know it was the funniest thing—I feel kind of dumb mentioning it—”

“No, no, nothing is dumb—never be afraid to ask questions in life,” he said in a voice that he saved from his days in the kibbutz in Israel.  “Well, yesterday, when I was coming up the steps, I overheard two men I had never seen before talking about a new security system Reynolds was installing,” Kate said. “I didn’t hear all of it, but I heard them say something about capturing images of people leaving their apartments and then the apartment building so they would have a record of comings and goings in the building and also would be able to keep track of movements in the hallway to prevent apartment break-ins. It’s kind of nice in a way—like that security camera they installed last year above the door to the building.”

Art smoothed back what was left of his hair several times and looked up and down repeatedly as if he were contemplating the capture of himself in still life. “Believe me, they aren’t doing us any favors. You have no idea how devious these people are,” he said. “We’re losing our freedom every day. My friend in Berlin is doing a show with monkeys and circus performers that’s an allegory for the repression of the state and you try to do that here—forget it! We’re losing our freedoms everyday. You watch. This hallway monitoring is just the beginning.”

Whether or not the citizens of the East Village could have a performance with monkeys and circus performers that criticized the government was interesting to ponder, but mainly Kate listened with interest as Art showed signs of retreating further into his apartment, shutting the door fully and drawing in the extensions of himself that had drooled out into their shared hallway for the past five years. Any sensible person would simply call the landlord, ask about the hallway monitoring and be satisfied that it was all a misunderstanding when the landlord informed them that no such monitoring was going on. But Art was more hysterical visionary than sensible person, so no matter how much Reynolds assured him nothing was going on, Art would never believe it. He preferred to believe we were in a fight for freedom. Kate just felt, on the other hand, that she was in a fight to keep her neighbor’s personal self from intruding on her. “Yeah, that’s true,” Kate said trying to knit her eyebrows together and not smile. “Well, anyway, I better get going. I have to give a friend a call.”

Now, not only was Art’s door shut most of the time, but Art no longer lingered in the hallway and no longer left his personal junk in the space between their apartments. The fight for freedom meant evading the cameras Kate let him believe surrounded them. Kate could still hear Art’s radio from her apartment when she turned off her light before going to bed, though.  One day with a spring in her step noticing a hallway free of the personal, Kate knocked on Art’s now firmly closed door. He answered in a faded t-shirt and long cotton shorts that hit just above his knees. If a woman had worn them years ago they would have been called culottes. She smiled and tried take on the look of a good Samaritan. “What’s up?” he asked in his jaunty way, the radio blaring NPR behind him and through the hall and down the building’s staircase. “Sorry to bother you, but I wanted to let you know what I heard last night.” Art raised his eyebrows and rubbed his hands together alert to the excitement of new oppression. “Oh?” he said. “Well, those same guys who were installing the hidden cameras a few weeks ago were back and I overheard them talking about how the landlord (our Reynolds, of course) thought the building could be even more secure if he could monitor the sounds in the hallway,” Kate said biting her lip not to smile. “No!” Art exclaimed. “Well, yes, actually. So, I know how you always listen to NPR and how I can hear it from my apartment sometimes and I know how conservative Reynolds is—“  Art was just shaking his head and looking up and down as if to say “God have mercy on us all” to himself. “Don’t say anymore—I get it.”

Following that last episode, it became very quiet at their end of the hall, or, as Kate called it to herself and friends, “monastery chic.” It baffled Kate that some people became anxious when things got too quiet. There was nearly nothing she loved more. With Art’s radio no longer blaring into the hall and throughout the lower half of the building, she rolled around in the cleanliness of the quiet, savoring the absence of the outsider’s personal belongings and emotions. She had her own inner world now and nothing more to corrupt it like a stranger tracking sawdust through an immaculate house.

Then, one night a few months later, she heard odd tapping and scraping outside the building.  She thought at first it was just kids bouncing a ball off the side of the building or someone drawing graffiti against the front door like they did from time to time. But it sounded different and as though it was coming from above. Could it be the long-promised apocalypse? Or maybe just the helicopters trailing the Occupy Wall Street protesters again. Kate decided to take a look from the roof, so she climbed the five flights of stairs up there, hearing the scraping and banging and tapping getting ever louder. When she pushed open the door, she saw all the usual things—untended to asphalt, stray cigarette butts, empty beer bottles, a few abandoned lawn chairs, all with a faint smell of pot in the air. “Glad it’s pot and not cigarette stink again,” she said to herself. “My thoughts exactly,” answered a voice from the periphery.  “Hello? Is somebody there?” Kate said. Nobody answered for a few seconds and then she heard a kicking sound against the building. “Yeah, right here,” a struggling voice said. Kate then noticed a balding head rearing itself from the edge of the roof. “Art! Is that you?” she said. “What are you doing?” Art pulled himself up so his elbows were resting on the asphalt and his legs must have been resting against a gutter or the top of a window. “Can you believe it? The city won’t let me post ads for my therapy practice on lampposts any more. So, I came up with this idea—to hang some banners down along the side of the building about my practice. Plus, those cameras you were telling me about—the cameras may not be able to see me up here. I guess it’s a private and public place up here—above the cameras but with all those people right down there,” he said gleefully.”

Kate wondered how long it would take Reynolds to have the banners taken down—and whether the whole thing was worth dangling from a rooftop for. Was it that important to establish communication? “Why don’t you just advertise online someplace, like on Craig’s List?” she asked. “The ones I’m trying to reach don’t have computers,” he said irritably. “Who are you trying to reach?” Kate asked sincerely. She couldn’t figure out who he hoped would wander into his apartment or happen to see a homemade banner in crayons dangling from a roof and decide he had finally found a therapist he could trust.  “People around here who need help,” he said like it was obvious. “People who need me—my services.”

The best thing to do Kate thought would be to help Art up from the roof but she wondered if it wasn’t best just to leave him there with his banner. He could be his own best advertisement. “Should I leave the door open for you?” she asked, pointing to the door that led to the rooftop. She had wandered over just far enough to the edge to catch a glimpse of him hanging there. “Nah,” he said pounding the top of his banner into the gutter. “I’ll be here for a while.”

Image

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Phasology: Just a Phase I’m Going Through?

Looking for a Door in the Moon

Drilling the edges

shy of center,

my saw carves off the corners

light trickling

from the periphery

catching

my hands

forearms

sides of my legs

but glancing away

from my face.

 

Moon Skewers

Skewer me moon

my cocktail party

needs thank you

favors and no one else

can offer

personalized moon

cut-outs.

A thousand dollars

here

and there

is all it takes

for my friends

to not find

moon skewers

any place

but mine.

 

Asking You to Stay

Dropping a hint

at the full moon’s

rising

I pulled

from the roots

daffodils

tulips

peonies—

spring’s best

in full light

of a full moon

hoping to hold

this phase

in place.

 

Failing at Forcing Waning

When it’s full,

screw the top off

see if you can force it

to be half

or less

than half

or waning.

When you don’t succeed

at forcing waning,

give up and invest

in night-blooming gardens.

 

Moon on My Fork

Similar to

a baked potato

I thought I could

stand on a tree

look through a fork

at the moon

and see through fine

slats

if it was done.

I knew I couldn’t touch

even the rim

but I thought

if I gestured

in the right direction

I could get a sense

of level

of done.

Up a tree

looking through

forked slats

the light is refined

and if I squint

the moon goes away

but doesn’t come

nearer

and doesn’t tell me

how close to done.

 

Moon In Search of a Day Job

Bored to be the moon

so looking

for a good cloud

or spare sun

to transpose with.

When you’ve got

a night job

everyone else

sleeps through

you prefer

the sun or just

to have a function

people are awake to.

 

Chip Off the Old Moon

Chip off the old moon

just finding rocky

scraps of unnamable

fragments in the garage.

You told me

they came from the moon

and you’re not

an astronaut

it’s true

but I like

to believe you.

Holding said

moon chips

up for light

I have to remember

not to turn off

the garage light

with the moon

you said

these came from

now, throwing off

no light tonight.

 

Gardening on the Moon

Gardening on the moon

little light

but no passersby

to interfere

with my nocturnal

blooms.

Working in the laboratory

I keep churning

hearty cross-breeds

planning a send-up

of gold folds

or pink layers

of earth bloom

fit for a replanting

with no sun

no water

but a long rocky

face to themselves.

 

Moon Police

Moon police

is that crater

approved for inhabiting

or just one-day

excursions?

Remember to declare

moon dust

at customs

try not to smuggle

moon rocks

not sold

by certified moon

vendors

and please

turn the light off

before you leave.

 

Lunatic Highway

Driving alone

through the moon

I couldn’t belive

how smooth

the cut of clouds

seemed to slice

the moon in two.

Setting my wheels

upward with nothing

filling my engine

to could get me

there

I attempted

the lift through

the lunatic highway.

 

Moon’s Solitude

Solitude

the moon

doesn’t mind saying no

to lingering on a phase

or allowing a tide

to stay longer.

Alone in its movements

the moon doesn’t mind

being the only

moon

among clouds

stray planets

being the only

one

who can move

the ocean.

 

Couldn’t Be Your Waitress

Couldn’t serve you

couldn’t be your

waitress

said the moon

traveling as I am

on high

forever monitoring

sky oscillations

I have nothing

I’m willing to

give you

as you are

so low

but I drop

in passing

light shreds

you can use

as you can.

 

Choices of the Moon

Inspecting your choices

you had none

but to endure

all the phases–

fluctuating light

and often insufficient

darkness to sleep,

but you knew

your favorite phase—

the one unseen—

new—

would be back.

 

Moon Climbing

Learning to climb

the moon staircase

wasn’t hard.

I just repeatedly

looked up, longed

for light

and sought the mid-

night solace

of alone with spot

light instead

of cocktail

party.

Looking at the light

alone

repeatedly

it was easy

to see myself

in the moon.

 

Moon with a View

To dine

with a view

from the moon

is to forget

the crumbs

on your plate

the howling

dogs at your feet.

Table set

the crumbs

howling animals

don’t matter

seeing through

blackholes

burned out

stars

abandoned space suits

flags

ripped apart

by errant astronaut

forays—

looking back

with a view

of home, far enough

away to appreciate.

 

Smothering a Moon Half

Sliced in half

I wondered

at the other half

I hid under

my pillow.

Half as a bright

for twice as long,

I slept well

atop smothered light.

 

Absent—Gone to the Moon

I forgot to count space

absences

the same as your others.

Suited in space

technologically advanced

gear

ready to explore

the universe’s largest

nightlight,

I stood by pretending

the light you traveled toward

was you.

The light in my lone room

I thought was you

as you kept trekking

away

the suited alien

from earth.

 

Dying Star, Full Moon

The star burning out

leaped past

in dying streak

the full moon

wondering if

brightness at its peak

so near

would diminish

its final showing.

 

In the Moon’s Hand

Poem written

on the moon’s face

the moon blushing

with harvest color

yellowish, a little

like a juandiced

baby;

the script of passing

clouds, stars dying out

winks at us

an inscrutable poem.

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The Life and Times of The Introvert: The Vise

“I’d like not to see you again,” I told Marcy. She laughed and continued washing dishes she then loaded into the dishwasher. “Did you hear me?”  Sucking at my grape gum, and concentrating on the swirling of my saliva around the gum and the smell of the sugared-up grape and the sound of the chewing inside my head (I could only hear it because I always chewed with my mouth closed), I opened my eyes wide and glared.  I feared my glare would be wasted because her back was turned to me, but luckily Marcy turned around just as I was in mid-glare.

“I don’t like living together. I find you too cheerful,” I said without smiling. I liked to laugh, but this time I was humorless and ready for business. “I think you’re a nice person, but I don’t want to see you again.”

“Too bad,” she said in her insensitive way. She was lucky in that nothing much penetrated her skin. She kept everything she had on the outside of her skin like body makeup she could just wash off at night. Nothing stained her and nothing seeped into her skin with permanence. “We have a lease that I’m on with you, and you’d have to find another roommate, and I’d have to agree to move out.”

“That’s what I’m asking—for you to agree to move out,” I said. You’d be surprised how comfortable I was with this exchange, and even how good it felt. I enjoyed fighting it out once my passive aggressive default mode was pushed past its limit. I tended to erupt in such anger at that point that I needed the catharsis of a good fight. I even sometimes picked fights with strangers on the street. Most of those strangers were a lot bigger and nastier than me, too. I hit the jackpot in that none of them had yet raised a hand (or foot) to me.

I disliked a lot of the things Marcy was guilty of, like whistling, which happens to be one of the public offenses I’ve fought over with strangers.  There were these Cheese Whiz looking Midwesterners in town for the Thanksgiving Parade lumped in a sidewalk-tromping group with my mother and I. And the man was whistling that annoying non-harmony that people usually tend to whistle in varied, unmelodic tones.  I didn’t know where it was coming from, so I said loudly, meaning to be overheard, “Who’s whistling?  I keep hearing whistling coming from somewhere. Who’s whistling?”  Just then a big, burly corn-fed looking man, blond, and his also big and burly, also blond, wife or girlfriend strolled past and the man said, “I’m the one whistling.”  “Well, it’s bothering me,” I said. “Too bad,” he responded. Of course I couldn’t leave it at that. So: “You’re very rude.”  “Thank you,” he said, and then turning to his wife or girlfriend: “Did you hear that?  She thinks it’s rude that I was whistling?”  “Oh, that’s funny,” the wife or girlfriend said.  What I wanted to say looking back on the exchange, but didn’t think of at the time, and would have been dumb to say anyway is: “Go back to your cheese.”  They looked like the kind of people who put cheese on everything.  They probably thought I was a New York snob, though I didn’t actually have enough money or any connections (not even one) to be considered a snob.

I bring this up because I told Marcy this story to hint to her how much I hate her whistling, and she took the side of the cheese-born couple. “Those are just your crazy rules. Anybody is free to whistle on the sidewalk.”

Another thing that bothered me about Marcy was she had enough energy to clean properly. I was obsessive compulsive, but about troubling thoughts—like picturing bumblebees or car wrecks. Marcy, on the other hand, cleaned the apartment every morning before leaving for work and looked askance at the dust piling up on the dresser in my room. Some would consider it a benefit to have a roommate eager to clean, but it annoyed me because it connoted a person with so much energy she needed to expend it doing superfluous housework.  The reason she had so much energy was she didn’t take anything within her.  There was nothing inside her sucking at her energy, and I considered that a character flaw. Her happiness and bounding energy to me meant she didn’t have adequate inner anxieties.

“Why aren’t you more troubled?” I asked one morning after her vacuum woke me up.  “If you were more troubled I bet you wouldn’t be so eager to wake up early.”

“Yes, I guess I’m just lucky. I’ve always been a happy person,” she said.

One of the things about Marcy—happy or not—was she always had to be in a romantic relationship. She was a “people” person (I personally preferred cats and other fur-laden mammals to humans, but go figure). So, she treated her boyfriends like jobs. When one looked like it was winding down, she would look for another one to avoid time alone. The idea was an unbroken, seamless transition between boyfriends.  I suggested she come up with a way to find them and keep them in reserve—that she could can them the way you would can extra produce.

Steve Slumberts was the latest of them. “How’s it going with Steve, by the way?” I bated her, knowing she was keeping her eye out for someone new (I liked eavesdropping). “He’s good, but we don’t actually see each other as much as we used to.”

“You know, it might be good for you to spend some time alone,” I said.  I loved seeing her usually vacant face filled with terror.  She thought there was no worse fate than spending the day—let alone months—without a person whose function it was to be called on whenever she needed company.

“I’m a relationship person,” she said, quoting some woman she liked to listen to on the radio.

“But you don’t have a relationship with yourself,” I said.  I had already lost her concentration by that point, as she turned on her heel heading towards her room.  She often didn’t stick around to listen to me complete my thoughts, and sometimes would ask a question, like “How’s it going?  What’s up?”  And then shift on her legs back and fourth and dash off, too impatient to stay to listen to my response.

I suppose she was about to get ready to go out—to a place I would loathe, no doubt. Probably one of those dance clubs where there’s no place to sit down and no way to talk above the pulsating music.  For a person who claimed to like people so much it was funny that the music she liked best sounded like it was created by robots. Generally there were no words and no discernable instruments played. It was exactly like it would be if a computer were programmed (by a human?) to make a calculated succession of sounds, guided by a mathematical formula.

What if I were a missionary, I wondered.  I had no religious affiliation, relying for spiritual salvation on my sense that whatever there was of a God lived inside of ourselves instead of in a church or temple or through an appointed religious representative like a priest or rabbi. But I wanted both to get rid of my roommate and—more out of arrogance than humanitarian reasons—show her the folly of her ways.  I remembered stories of Christian missionaries who traveled all over the world “saving” the natives. I betted my vacuous roommate could use some help.

“What she needs,” I thought as I heard the shower droning, “is an in-house religious retreat.”  When the water switched off and I heard her bedroom door click shut, I slipped off my sneakers, and crept in my socks to her door. I was the one who asked her to move in rather than the other way around, so I knew things about the apartment we rented that she hadn’t heard about. She wasn’t one for history, so I doubt she would have been interested anyway. The apartment dated back to Victorian times, and came with keys that locked from the outside of the rooms. If you locked the doors from the inside, they didn’t require a key and locked just by pushing in a button. The thing was, the keys the landlord gave me just as a point of interest, or a novelty he thought I’d enjoy, overrode the internal locks, so that you could lock a person in her room!  The landlord told me the family who lived here years ago had unruly children, and the parents were such Victorian disciplinarians, they had the peculiar locks and keys made to lock the children in their rooms when they misbehaved.

Marcy hadn’t misbehaved, but she could learn a lesson about self-reflection and meditation.  I bet she hadn’t spent more than 10 minutes alone her whole life. Imagine preferring people to quiet reflection!  At the very least, she needed to know what it meant to spend time with only herself.  I would be doing her a favor.  I retrieved the key from my room as fast as I could (as fast as I could, that is, on tippy-toe), and, as quietly as possible, turned the key in the lock, shutting her in—for as long as I felt she needed to experience solitude.

I felt no ethical qualms about what I did. My only regret was she had a clock in there so she wouldn’t lose track of time. I felt sure a person like her not only needed a dose of first-time-in-her-life aloneness, but also that she needed to divorce herself from the clock and its connection to her “activities.”   Why are people so consumed with filling their days with activities?  I’m happy just dreaming with my eyes open out the window.

Now the fun began.  I heard her bare feet pad across the wooden floorboards and try the doorknob. “What the heck!” she said. Marcy didn’t use swear words, so “heck” or “Oh, fruit” was about as bad as it got. “Hey, Amanda,” she said to me. “I can’t seem to open this door. Can you help?”  I stifled a laugh and, leaving the key in my pocket, twisted the knob vigorously. “Huh, that’s strange. I can’t open it either.”  I heard her laughing, and knew the right thing to think was “Gosh, I really admire how she always keeps her spirits up.” But, instead, I thought it was time she learned how not to be cheerful. Could I lock the shallow laughter out of her?

“Well, unfortunately, I guess you’ll be stuck there a while. It’s Sunday, so the super isn’t around, and it’ll be hard to find a locksmith,” I told her, making my voice serious and somber even as I smiled broadly. “It’s a shame that you’ll miss your date tonight.”

At that point, it seemed as if her laughing, which continued, morphed from that grating social laugh of hers into a nervous laugh.  That suited me fine. It was time she experienced a little anxiety.  “No need to panic, of course, I’m sure since you have a half-bath in there you’ll be fine. I can always slip you some thinly sliced cheese or cold cuts under the door, I suppose.”  Now I was having fun.

She laughed, of course. “Well, I’m sure we’ll get in touch with someone soon who can help.  Or, I mean, you will. I just realized I don’t have my phone in here.” Another piece of luck for me.  This could go on quite a long time indeed.  It’s a rare opportunity when you get the chance to cordon off a troublesome person in your life, so I meant to make the most of it. “Oh, yes, I’ll be sure to do that. I wouldn’t want you to have to stay in there too long.  I think I’ll go now and see if I can find someone.”

I had no intention of finding anyone to help, so I took a walk around the block, looking for popsicle and ice cream sandwich vendors. I wanted something I could eat at her door, but which I couldn’t slip under the door, so I wouldn’t have to offer her any. My chocolate and vanilla ice cream sandwich in hand, I felt empowered. The only wrinkle in my plan was Marcy’s sure request to push some finely cut vegetables under the door. I have no idea why cheerful people usually like fruits and vegetables, but they do. I’d take a plastic roll of Hostess Cupcakes over roughage and apples any day.  Apple pie and other dessert tarts was the closest I got to health food.

Returning, I heard the word-less, rhythm-ful, bass-heavy music she liked reverberating from her room.  I forgot about that. Since she moved in I had been tortured by the pulsating throb of robot communications she called music.  The worst part was when I put my head on my pillow at night, I could feel the vibrations of it beating against my head, even after I dulled the sound with earplugs. I had spoken to her about the need to turn the music off at some point during the night, but to no avail, so I gave up trying, and, instead, used earplugs and the whirring of a ceiling fan to blunt the disturbance. But the officious beat she projected, I could do nothing about.

I knocked on her door several times as loud as I could. “Hi there, I’m back. Unfortunately, we have no vegetables, but I have some cold cuts—all red meat, unfortunately—that I can fit under the door.”  Oh, yes, so unfortunate, as Marcy tries her best to lead a healthy lifestyle. She says red meat gives you a greater chance of having heart attacks and cancer. Though I say her brain has been shriveling up for years, so why worry about it?

“Do you have anything else?” she asked, giggling. “How about some of those thin wheat crackers?  I bet those would slide under the door OK.”

“Yeah, alright,” I said.  After I retrieved the crackers and slid them to her, I thought about unlocking the door, but came to the conclusion again that it was for her own good to stay put. A person needs to find out what it’s like to be alone. I had spent my whole life alone, so why should she get away with never experiencing solitude?

“It must be a change of pace for you to have so much time to yourself,” I said.

“Yeah, it’s kind of sad. I don’t know how you spend so much time hidden away in your room, as if you were locked in there yourself. What do you do in there anyway?  I’ve been going crazy in here,” she said.

“I think of my room with the door locked as my sanctuary,” I said. “It’s the rest of the world that makes me feel crazy.” I felt as if I had done her a great favor locking her in her room, enabling her to experience what it’s like to have a sanctuary, but she wasn’t capable of appreciating the experience. True, the loneliness was a part of the experience, and it could be difficult, but what you gained in exchange for the loneliness—the richness of an inner life—was worth the discomfort.  One thing I hadn’t considered before occurred to me—what if Marcy was incapable of having a rich inner life? Were some people born without an inner-self, so that when left alone, they had nothing inside themselves to draw on?

“I just like getting to know new people. Whenever I meet someone new, I feel like I’ve just discovered a new TV show,” she said.

I would have laughed except it was touching that she knew herself well enough to describe what “new people” could be most accurately equated to; but, on the other hand, she wasn’t conscious enough to feel embarrassed about the analogy. She didn’t realize there was anything funny about new friendships seeming like TV pilots.

“Are these people generally good new shows?” I asked, “Or the kind of shows that go off the air without getting picked up for the regular season?”

She didn’t laugh immediately as I expected—since she was one of those people with a tittering social laugh that was similar to the canned laughter of a stage audience. I think she was puzzled that I thought her metaphor was funny. “Yeah, mostly good,” she said. “They’re company anyway.”

“You know what’s funny to me?” I said, “The way you need someone to study with you at the library. If you’re studying, and you’re studying for different classes and different subjects, what’s the other person there for?”

“I like knowing someone is going through the same things I’m going through even if their version of it is a little different,” she said.

I had always looked at suffering as a solitary trial, and even though I knew about “support groups,” I didn’t think they made any difference—at the end of the day, your suffering was your own. If a thousand other people felt the same pain, what difference did it make to your own pain? I could see if by gathering enough co-sufferers together you could dilute the pain or make a deal whereby you all share the pain by taking different shifts, or signing up for different months or years to endure it. But just knowing of the shared pain wasn’t enough for me.

“You’re never going to figure anything out on your own,” she said.

“What are you talking about?” I snapped. “If you’ve got a problem, the last thing you want is a group of people arguing with each other about the right thing to do. You need time for quiet reflection—especially since, in the end, you’re the one who’s going to have to make up your mind about it.

It sounded like birds outside her window, rapping against the glass, and I could smell fresh air seeping from under the door. I felt my planned casement threatened. Her window was too high up for anyone to scale in, and even if it were possible, her cell phone was sitting on an end table in the sitting room, so she had no way of alerting anyone but me to her problem.

“What’s that funny sound I hear?” I said. “It sounds like in desperation you’ve put a bird and squirrel cocktail party together.”

“No, nothing that creative,” she said. “Remember, I don’t have an inner-life or creativity, so I can’t do stuff like that.”

“That’s true,” I agreed. “And animals don’t seem to like you too much.”

“Yeah, but Jasper, Susan and Igor do,” she said.

“Who in the world are they?  Let me guess—you couldn’t restrain yourself, and became friends with homeless people living below your window.”

“Kind of. Do you remember the fair I went to with Chip last week?  And how Chip got me the puppets?  Well, I just put them on the shelf over my desk and forgot about them, but with all this boring alone—that is, self-reflection time, as you call it—I’ve gotten to know them better. I hung them from my window pane and we’re having drinks” she said in an even voice.

I always thought Marcy lacked enough self-awareness to understand irony, so I felt certain it wasn’t a joke. I had never known her to make any jokes outside of repeating lines from sitcoms or comedy club shows her latest boyfriend took her to.

“Yeah, Jasper was just telling me the funniest story about this bar, The Sacrosanct, he went to last week—the bartenders were all male models and there were free Jello shots,” she said.

“Was it Puppets night?” I asked, laughing. She stayed silent. “You know, like ladies night, where bars think they’ll get lots of women for men to hit on by offering the women free drinks? So, I guess there’s a new puppet fetish I didn’t know about.”

Marcy often had little intelligent to say, but she usually offered up enough vacuous conversation to avoid silence (a thing on her list of most dreaded), so I found it odd the way her long pause just kept continuing.

“Well?” I said.

“Of course, Igor and Susan have been going out for a while, so they’re not really into The Sacrosanct,” she said.

“The Sacrosanct isn’t for everybody,” I said. “I guess you have to know the right people—or puppets—to get in.”

“Igor has an in, and, of course, he got Susan in, who begged him to then get Jasper in, too.”

Hmm, talking puppets heading to nightclubs, getting their puppet friends in past the velvet rope. This sounded like an endeavor for me. I fished the key to her bedroom door out of my pocket.

“Well, what do you know?” I said, opening the door, “I found the key, after all. Turns out it was at the bottom of the draw near the sink in the kitchen, Marcy.”

I expected her to run to the door like a puppy released from a pen (to think of her more kindly I usually needed to pretend she was a cat or dog), but she didn’t acknowledge my entrance or the opened door.  She didn’t bother to turn around to look at me. Instead, she stayed in a crouched position over her puppets, making them dance over the floorboards under her. “Looks like Jasper’s really having a good time tonight,” she said. “I’m so glad they came to visit me tonight. I hate being alone.”

“Well, it’s your lucky day, Marcy,” I said. “Did you hear me? I found the key, and was able to unlock your door. You can go run around town now, the way you like.” I snickered at that, thinking of her continuous, thin conversation as she trotted from one trendy club to the next, partly soothing herself, partly social climbing.

“It’s just that Jasper isn’t ready to go yet, and Igor and Susan want to dance some more,” Marcy said, turning to look at me, but only peripherally, looking more to the side of my face than directly at me.

She seemed enthralled, and even happy, similar to how she seemed when I ran into her on her way to her room after a coming home late on a Friday or Saturday night. I would be turning over on the sofa with my book, and in would come Marcy exhilarated about all the stuff I couldn’t stand being around—masses of people jumbled up together in a relatively small space with “music” so loud you couldn’t have a conversation.

Now the puppets she dangled in each hand enthralled her. She was socializing with them.

“So, you’re really enjoying their company, ha?  I guess they’re not so different from your other friends, right?” I laughed, and walked over to her side to see if she heard me. I was waiting for her (irritatingly) good-humored reciprocal chuckle.

“Igor, Susan and Jasper aren’t ready to leave yet, remember?” she said.

It was the oddest thing the way she didn’t seem to hear me, or that she heard me but didn’t care now to escape from her room and her animated puppets.

“The door is open, Marcy. You can go about your business now. Isn’t that lucky that I finally found the key?  It was in the back of one of the drawers in the kitchen. Isn’t that funny?”

Well, it was the oddest thing, but the little twit didn’t seem to care. Should I have felt horrible about continuing to think of her as a little twit?  I didn’t think so.

“The door’s open, Marcy. It’s wide open. You can leave now. I’ve managed to unlock the door.”

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Dog’s Tale: Doggerel

You Mean You’re NOT a Dog?

Dog ears

secure

you were surprised

people forgot

you were human

and believed

you to be a dog.

You ate

with fork and knife

sat upright

at the table;

you even

tucked a napkin

into your collar.

But we all

just kept looking

for your leash

and canine teeth.

Glad I Don’t Have to Give You Anything to Hold

Your paws on the glass

look like hands

but I’m happy

they can only tap

the glass

and not grasp.

I would hate being

responsible

for giving you

things to hold.

Your paws

dig holes

nudge and tap

but can’t secure.

Your Head Held High; Mine Tugged

The collar

you’ve asked me to wear

isn’t comfortable—

at least not when

attached

to a leash.

Strolling through the park

your head held high

you didn’t notice

mine

tugged to the side

and straining

to lift up

as we walked together.

Why the Clock and Not Our Hunger?

The clock

the humans

pointed to

as I waited

for under-the-table

scraps

didn’t make sense

to me.

I knew time

by my hunger.

How or why

did they refer

to a clock

to dine?

You’re in the House with Me, Unseen

Deft with my nose

I can smell you

sense you

hear you

in the house

with me—

before you ever

reach my floor.

Alone with my

allotment

of water

and dry food

I hear

smell

nearly taste

you

on the the floorboards

above

and below

me.

Who’s Sleeping in My Dog Bed?

Sleeping

in my dog bed

again?

While I was

out walking

I returned

to find you

in my bed

having pushed

my bone

out of the way

sidelined

my chew toy.

I went back

out the sliding glass door

hoping you’ll be

gone

when I return.

My Water Bowl Saves, but Doesn’t Satisfy

My water bowl

isn’t up-to-the-top

full—

not exactly empty

but not full enough

not to be

thirsty.

Repercussions of Cheap Dining Service

Good to know

you’re economizing

on my behalf.

The half-price

kibbles

aren’t so bad

and neither is

my burglar-present

nap.

I Know Bones

Definitely

a bone

you pushed

to the side

and covered

with sweet potatoes—

but my eyes

and canine teeth

know a bone.

Edging Near Your Tablecloth

The teacup

the saucer

the tablecloth

the gently pulled

chairs

the guests

nicely dressed

with appropriate

gifts;

my teeth

latching onto

the rim

aiming to pull

tablecloth

place settings

hors d’oeuvres

out from

under you.

Competing with the Astronaut Dog

The astronaut

dog

makes me feel

bad about myself.

He’s been

to space

and I’ve only

been

to the park.

Salvaging a Posey

Always angry

about forsaken

roses,

the tulips

or peonies

I dug up

may have been

salvaged

for your posey.

You Can Have My Bones; I’ll Have Your Pasta

The Roman dog

only ate

pasta

but his owners

kept feeding him

bones

thinking he’d finally

be convinced

he was a dog.

But he stuck

to pasta smuggling

pushing his bones onto his human

companions’ plates.

A Tranquilizer for You, Too

The tranquilizer

for the flight

worked but

I wondered

why you didn’t

knock yourself

out too.

Your conversation

is much worse

than my barking.

The Cliff’s Turn—Unheeded

The horses

paid no attention

to me scurrying up

the mountain

alongside them.

Passengers

on their backs,

they didn’t hear

my barking

nipping at their

heels

as we rounded

the cliff’s turn.

Taking a Pass on Your Sausage

The hanging sausage

doesn’t tempt me

because I’d have to

come into your store

to jump at it.

The idea

of wagging my tail

begging

on hind legs

cocking my head

so you’d think

I was cute

doesn’t appeal enough

to jump for sausage.

My Pet Human

I take you on

your walks

though you refuse

to wear a leash

like me.

I trust

you’ll heel

come when I bark

and eventually

play dead.

Put a Trace on Me

My paws

in sand

and snow

can be traced

but my paws

tapping with

unclipped claws

across your kitchen

tiles

to your buffet

leave no trace

except

missing pork chops.

My Wolf-Kin

I feel bad

for my wolf-kin

you hunt—

it’s me

in the wild

with fiercer

teeth

silver fur

and greater abilities

to hunt.

You’re killing me

because I don’t

fit on your

living room sofa.

Focus on the Black Birds

Eating my kibbles

still eying your

steak,

you keep telling me

to focus on shooing

the black birds away

to get my eyes off

your plate.

But my kibbles don’t

taste good

and all the black birds

ever on our lawn

won’t distract me.

Happiness I’ve Ripped Up

The daffodil

bed

I don’t respect

so have dug up.

There’s nothing

I won’t dig up

creating a dirt pile

for my bones,

taking happiness

in the garden

I’ve ripped up.

I Got Dirty Because You Dragged Me There

Itchy ears

a tail that drags

in your backyard’s mud

doesn’t mean I’m only

fleas and dirt

trailing through

your home.

The dirt and pests

I bring to you

came from where

you dragged me to.

When You Turned to Ask for the Butter

The scraps

are satisfying

but only because

they’re scraps

you don’t know about—

your pork chop

sliding off the side

of your plate

as you turn

to ask

for the butter.

Microchipped Home

The way home

is encoded

in my brain

and by rote

in my paws

but you’ve microchipped

it under my skin

even though

yours may not be

my home forever.

I’ll Stop Barking When You Do

You told me

to stay quiet

in your purse

at the bank

because I wasn’t

allowed

and to stay quiet

under the table

at the restaurant

where I also wasn’t

allowed

but meanwhile

you never

shut up

yourself.

I’m Not Graceful; Just Your Companion

The cat’s been let out

for the night

so why am I left

neutered

to sleep on top

of your slippers?

If you could only

catch him

you say you’d neuter

him too

but he wails

to be let out

climbs so well

hunts

de-mouses

and creeps along

windowsills

with grace

while I’m just

your companion.

King’s Dog

The king says

I have to abide

by his side

as he sits

on his throne

walks along the beach

the people we pass

asking if they can

pet me.

I’d like to sneak off

and be one of their dogs

but they always

cluck their tongues

saying how lucky I am

to be the dog

of a king

and move on.

Tracking my Owner

My owner

wears a cologne

that makes him

easy to track

on the golf course

his easy chair

the backyard

the toilet.

I try to ignore

his scent

(hard for a dog)

wishing he’d go

someplace

more exotic.

Your Belongings Are My Chew Toys

The dump truck

towed the belongings

I gnawed at

as if they were useless—

a chewed up armchair

the toys

I ravaged

but I could still have used them—

your belongings

to you

my chew toys

to me.

Civilization of Talking Dogs

Will the people

of the future

finding my bones

leash, collar

and water bowl

suspect

21st century humans

were talking dogs?

Panting at the Base of the Tree

The birds sing

and I bark

to keep up

with the cat’s

track up their branches

swiping at them

making a noonday

meal of them

while I circle

the base of the tree

panting.

Splashing Back

Getting de-fleaed

the bath stings

and the water

is too hot—

so I splash it

in the eyes

of the one

who plunged me

in.

Picking Up On Your Crap

Doing the walk

with you

is laborious

but I’m the only

one who picks

up on your crap.

Can’t Find the Moon

Howling but can’t

find the moon

so digging deeper

because I can’t

find the sights

in the sky

my wolf relatives

handed me,

or at least

howled toward

themselves.

Shadow of a Bat

The shadow of a bat

on the stairwell

had me leaping

and barking

at 4 a.m.

which disturbed you,

but you brought me hunting

so often

I thought it was a bird

to retrieve for you,

stumbling out of your room

in your underpants.

Invisibly Fenced In

At the edges

of the gate

my nose tapped

the electric fence—

pushed back

by the invisible

current,

fur bristling

while the other dogs

in the park across

the lawn

played without me.

My Second-Grade Meat

The pot’s on the stove

and I smell stew

and see a cake

waiting to be placed

under rich icing

and I see my kibbles

and second-grade

meat in a can

on the floor.

Gardening with Dog

The basket

you pushed me off from

happened to include

your bulbs

for next year’s

crop of dug up.

Extensive Fur

The vet says

I’m too fat

but how does he

know it isn’t

especially

full-bodied

fur?

My tail is looking

bushier than usual

and my paws

are robust.

My belly is all

muscle

under extensive

fur.

Garden for You

Sitting on top of the tulips

my tail up

a daffodil,

I’m taking the spring

garden in.

The mud on my paws

tracked over your

new carpet

my way

of bringing the garden

to you.

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The Life and Times of the The Introvert: Extraverts are Dumb

“I’ve always thought extraverts were dumb,” Cynthia told Vikki, who had just gotten back from five hours at Ice and Dogs, a combination ice cream parlor and hot dog eatery that hosted its annual Friend-a-Thon that day.“Why do you have to talk to people all day?  Don’t you have anything inside you?”

Vikki wasn’t offended because apparently she wasn’t offended by anything. “It’s all good,” she said turning to her pot of steamed vegetables and rice. “You like cupcakes and moping around; I prefer human beings to Chocolate Fudge Royale. Your real angst with me is I only go to Ice and Dogs once a year, and it’s not with you (though I always ask you if you want to come), and it’s one of your favorite places,” she pointed out.

“Well, if you ask me if I’d rather eat hot dogs and ice cream in peace or listen to a person I just met tell me about her children, I can tell you I prefer the former,” said Cynthia.  I’m all for charity but can’t local businesses sponsor me to meet and greet a hundred cats let loose at a butcher’s shop rather than ask me to circle around humans who seem only to have two questions: ‘So, what brought you to New York?’ and ‘Why are you still alone?’   Well, I’d like to tell them I was looking for a place with people who don’t have time to talk about things they don’t care about, and I’m alone because heaven is the newspaper and two jars—one of fudge, the other of peanut butter—on a Sunday morning.”

Vikki laughed, and began spooning her vegetable and rice concoction onto a glass plate.  “Well, you never know who might be better than the Style section that you could meet at the Friend-a-Thon.”

Cynthia rolled her eyes and shut the window, turning the air conditioner positioned in the apartment’s other window on high, partly hoping to drown out a stranger’s laughter and whistling outside, and partly to drown out her roommate. “True, I could meet a great hero and a genius at the Ice and Dogs Friend-a-Thon, but more than likely I’d be left with a balding accountant with dripping ice cream smeared across his tie and a stay-at-home mother who was there because it was the most sophisticated activity she could think of that day.”

Cynthia often wondered how she and Vikki came to be friends and roommates, and after much rumination, decided it all came down to beer. Cynthia had just moved into a newly developed apartment complex at the University of Florida called the Cancun Club, and discovered Vikki as her next door neighbor one afternoon a few days after moving in. The halls and stairs of the building they lived in were outside and constructed like a deck with wooden panels from wall to wall, and everything except the apartments themselves were open-air, like a large, flimsily built tree house. Vikki was carrying a case of beer, which Cynthia complimented her on since it always was a boon to her spirit to note evidence of unhealthy lifestyle in others. By the time she learned the beer had been bought for a visiting friend, and that Vikki herself generally stuck to a judicious glass of Chardonnay with a dinner of skinned, boneless chicken or grilled Atlantic salmon, it was too late. She had already been invited to her new friend’s apartment for a cocktail hour social.

“Well,” Cynthia thought to herself, “I have nothing to say to these people, so I’ll just ramble as much as possible about myself and see what happens.” She proceeded to tell the gathering of maybe six people about how she doesn’t drive on highways and how it’s a public service that she doesn’t because she doesn’t believe in “vehicular aggression,” which is exactly what you must possess to excel at highway travel. She then told her guests, half Southerners from the Florida-Alabama border of the panhandle of the state, and half Northerners and Miamians, that the national highway system, furthermore, should be done away with. Everyone laughed, but the greatest mirth came from Vikki, who liked her new friend’s lack of inhibition with words. She was inhibited physically, choosing to sit slightly apart from the other guests, and was conscious enough of her space to take a step back if you got too close to her, but her words were wide open.

“Well, you’d get a chance to talk to weirdos about weird subjects, and God knows you like to do that,” Vikki said, referring to the Friend-a-Thon, and smiling and winking at her friend. And better yet, you’d have a captive audience to listen to all your best stuff.”

Cynthia was only beginning to understand why people described her as being “out there” or asked “what she was smoking?”  But, in truth, she saw nothing strange about doing away with the contemporary postal service, e-mail, and fax. She had a theory that the level of communication and the quality of ideas and, by extension, actions taken, would improve if only people had more time to think. “Now, if we still had the pony express,” Cynthia began, “then we’d be onto something. We’d have a chance to think during long-distance communications, and have more time to ourselves in between answer and response.”

Vikki, who never failed to laugh at this idea no matter how many times she heard it, nevertheless found it thoroughly unappealing. “More time?  Why do you need more time?  When someone’s standing right in front of you there’s no time lag between question and response, and everything seems to turn out alright, doesn’t it?  The best part of new tech stuff is it replicates the experience of talking face-to-face with the person you’re corresponding with even if they’re on the other side of the world.”

Cynthia thought no more than a moment; then decided exactly why she could never appreciate modern advances in communications technology. “Why in the world would anyone want to replicate that?  Isn’t the real thing bad enough?”  She remembered her dread at ballroom dancing class as a child, pacing the Mexican tiles of her family’s kitchen back and forth trying to get a hotdog down because she felt compelled to eat dinner even while the thought of having to worry who, if anyone, she would dance with—along with all the rest of 10-year-old social politics—had swept her appetite away. Or how about what she endured as an adult before and during cocktail parties?  It wasn’t that she had to think of things to say. She could think of a lot of things to say. “So, how tall are you anyway?” she longed to ask the gangly woman who worked down the hall from her cubicle row. “How do you find anyone to date, and more importantly, how do you buy shoes?  Maybe if men from Mars finally land on earth, and it turns out that instead of being little red or blue men they’re gigantic red or blue men, you could sign up for space missions to go shoe shopping.” Or, she’d love to know how often the fat man who delivered her mail showered, and whether if it was a lack of hot water in his apartment that was the cause of the sponge bath he seemed to take every morning in aftershave cologne. Or how the dowdy lady she bought her lunch from at the corner deli decided which identical brown dress she would wear each day. If all your dresses look the same, and yet they’re different dresses for the sake of cleanliness, can you tell them apart as the owner, and if so, is one more favored than another?  Of course, all of these, she knew, fell into the category of the socially inappropriate, but it sure beat asking what the kids were up to, or where the man slurping his white wine had gone on vacation last.

“Some of us enjoy human beings,” Vikki said. Cynthia might have left it at that knowing they always came to this impasse in an otherwise enjoyable friendship, but decided it was time for a challenge. She had PMS, and with her PMS came a heightened loathing of the social animal. Cynthia remembered with a smile how she had strategized her day around human avoidance, deliberately taking the express elevator to the upper floor of the office building she worked in; picking very carefully a scarcely used ice maker to fill her Styrofoam cup full of ice in preparation for her morning Diet Coke; and, most inspired of all, took a circuitous route to her cubicle that bypassed all people (many) whose company she didn’t enjoy. “I believe I’m becoming a misanthrope,” she said to herself. “Or, have I always been a misanthrope and just called it introversion to turn it into something psychologically acceptable?  Is anything OK as long as it’s a documented personality type?  What other personality types can psychologists invent?  What about Elephant people?  People who are harmless but take up the space of others, and threaten the comfort and wellbeing of others via the unconscious swinging of their trunks?”

“What are you thinking about?” Vikki asked, laughing along with Cynthia, though she didn’t know what her friend found so amusing. Vikki was one of those people who Cynthia to herself referred to as a go-alonger, or what psychologists (like Cynthia’s mother) call “pleasers,” people who compulsively must make everyone and anyone they’re with happy, usually by doing or saying whatever is expected. “Just how unfriendly I’ve become,” Cynthia admitted.

“At least you’re self-aware,” said Vikki , pointing out one of the things she liked most about her friend. Vikki was used to living with people who reminded her of the personification of public relations agencies. It was as if their whole life was a commercial or public service announcement. She had found herself one afternoon going so far as to hide the wrapper from a Taco Bell burrito so her roommates wouldn’t make fun of her for eating fast food. Or she remembered the conversations with these past roommates when she couldn’t say she didn’t like a restaurant or bar because it was that moment’s “place to be” or “trendy eatery.” You had to endorse the party line when you were with those people, whatever and whoever’s party that line happened to be.

“Yeah, I’m aware of what I don’t like, and who doesn’t like me. Like Goldi-WASP,” she said dryly and without blinking.

“Who in the world is that?” Vikki said, bursting out laughing.

“A girl who works for one of my magazine’s sister publications, and who I have to listen to all day because she sits over the cubicle wall from me, in the next cubicle aisle over. Well, actually, excuse me, she now sits—ahem—in an office. The Golden Girl was promoted. I think that makes one promotion for every year of her seven-year career. The angels up there have to learn to spread the wealth around a little,” she said.

“The angels up where?”  Vikki didn’t believe in a spiritual world. She was too afraid to admit even to herself that she was an atheist, but she didn’t, in actuality, believe in any spiritual complex guiding society. Her philosophy was luck was an entirely explainable, man-made creation. Where you ended up in life was a direct result of your decisions and life’s work (or lack thereof). “I’ll bet Goldi-WASP worked hard. You know what they say about the work ethic of the WASP,” said Vicki, a self-described WASP, winking.

“No harder than the woman who was ousted from the very office she’s moving into. Tina had been with the company for 12 years, and then, a disagreement or two with management, and she’s out. Her magazine wasn’t doing great, but if Noisen had wanted to, they could have found her something else. They kept other people. And now Katie (Goldi-WASP extraordinaire) is setting up her meticulous rows of alphabetized hanging folders and lining up her pens, and finding a place for her fake sunflower.”

The fake sunflower was particularly offensive to Cynthia. Why not a real flower every few weeks or month versus a fake flower that was stationary?  It wouldn’t die, sure, but it also didn’t grow or have any scent, and the petals never fell off. What kind of person would choose a flower that lacks the capacity to wilt or shed petals?  Would shedding petals disrupt her folders and filing system too much?

“I like artificial floral arrangements. They’re more practical than real flowers,” Vikki said. “They’re always happy.  They never start drooping.”

“It’s normal to droop in life eventually. I’ve already begun to droop, and expect the wilting to begin any day.”

“You’re 30, Cynthia!  Everyone knows drooping doesn’t start until you’re 42.”

“Why 42 and not a nice, round number like 40?”

“Because at 40 you’ve just approached middle-age, but you’re not really in it yet. By 42 you’re in the middle of middle age because most people, statistically speaking, won’t live past 82.”

“Well, anyway, her fake flower is up, and all day long she sashays or bounces like a cheerleader back and forth from my cubicle row—where she also used to sit—to her new office. Do you have any idea how many times a day I hear her say “awesome!” or “Excellent!”?  She loves one-word responses. And to the dumbest things, like if a fax she’s been waiting for comes in, she’ll exclaim, ‘Yeay! My fax came in!’ Really, she does, I’m not joking.”

“Nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm, is there?” said Vikki, jumping up and down in her black spandex bike shorts, sports bra-like tank top and cross-country sneakers. “She just enjoys interacting with life, that’s all.”

“Here we go again,” said Cynthia, “Equating love of life with people like Katie—and you! I enjoy interacting with life. I just don’t happen to enjoy interacting with human life. I’m more into kitten, puppy, and rhododendron life. I’m a domesticated animals, wildlife, and book-life person, that’s all.”

“You can’t love life without loving people if you’re a person yourself,” said Vikki.

“Yes, I can if I’m a self-loathing human. If I’m that, then loving animals and plants more than people is the logical next step because I’m loving what I think is right with the world. If I thought people were right, I would love them, too. But, the thing is, they’ll never be cocker spaniels.”

“Well, at least humans are less likely to have fleas,” said Vikki.

“And that’s about the only thing they have to recommend themselves in a competition with cocker spaniels.”

“You realize, of course, that it isn’t “they?”  You’re one of us, too,” Vikki pointed out.

“Well, I’m an honorary cocker spaniel, or tabby cat, maybe. I relate more to them than to you.”

The truth was of the human species Cynthia thought Vikki was one of the few who were tolerable. Vikki was mostly self-aware, and could laugh at herself. Best of all, she was amused when Cynthia told her the truth about her feelings, even the misanthropic ones—especially those, actually. As a big-time extravert, she found it hilarious than anyone didn’tlike being around people.

“Okay, okay,” Vikki laughed. “You win. Go back to your lair.”

“I wish I had a lair some days.”

“Speaking of which, I need you to help me clean up a little,” Vikki said. “Graham is coming over tonight.”

“Oh, okay. But why do you care what he thinks? He’ll eventually find out you’re a slob. Why not just show him the slob you are right off the bat and see if he sticks around? It’ll be a test of how much he likes you.”

“He’ll find out soon enough,” Vikki reasoned. “We’re still in the illusions stage.”

“You mean de-lusion, don’t you?”

“Well, whatever, he’s coming over,” said Vikki, “so if you see something lying around, just sweep it under the nearest rug or sofa.”

Much to Cynthia’s consternation, Vikki went for the reliable ones, the ones who are entirely uninspired but make good on their promise to call you exactly at 5 p.m. every other day, fulfilling their obligation to do what Cynthia referred to as the boyfriend “maintenance call.”  Vikki was consoled and even excited by these calls and all the other exacting procedures she expected her boyfriends to deliver on, but Cynthia couldn’t see why. “You told them to do all that stuff. Wouldn’t it be more meaningful if they did it on their own without you forcing them?”

“Well, it matters that they liked me enough to follow my instructions,” she said.

Cynthia was un-enthused about Graham. He was studying dentistry, and promised to be either tight with money, a prima donna, or a Mama’s boy, or some combination of all three winning characteristics. Vikki said he enjoyed “the finer things in life,” which, as far as Cynthia could tell, meant a steep investment in hair gel, tanning cream, and coconut oil. He also was said by friends to wax his arms. “Yuck and a half,” Cynthia said to Vikki upon hearing the details of his personal toilette. “What’s there to like about that?”

“He’s a nurturer,” said Vikki. “He’s good about calling me, he’s always on time, and we like the same things.”

“By things you mean showing up in places you don’t necessarily like but are expected to be? The thing that gets me about Graham is his motives. He said you should belong to a church or some other house of worship, at least partly because it doesn’t look good not to!”

“There’s nothing extraordinary about that,” said Vikki. “Us social beings have a distaste for being ostracized.”

“You know, he wouldn’t try on my cowgirl hat for fear of messing up his hair the last time he was here.”

“Maybe it was just that he didn’t think it was a good look for him,” said Vikki.

“I think it was mostly the vanity of his vanishing hair that he was concerned about.”  Graham still had a mostly full head of hair, but the corners, where it was barely receding, were, maybe understandably, very troubling. He spent a good half-hour every morning greasing down (or up, if necessary) each dark coil for precise positioning. Cynthia joked with Vikki that he needed a GPS tracking device for doing his hair to ensure no strand was improperly placed. Luckily Vikki had only been dating him for about a month, so there was still a good chance something could go wrong. Cynthia was attached enough to her friend (her best friend, really) to feel about her new boyfriends the way a child might feel about a stepparent. They were intruders who stole her friend’s time away from her—that’s all they were. The few Cynthia found charming, Vikki was turned off by because they didn’t demonstrate good follow-through on the maintenance calls.

Graham, behind the wheel of his bluish purple pickup truck—a color Cynthia described as resembling Elizabeth Taylor’s eyes—tended to arrive a few minutes early. He apparently knew excitement wasn’t his draw for the ladies, so he emphasized the value-add of reliability, thought Cynthia. And, like the ticking of a clock, his style was a visual manifestation of a metronome. Khaki pants, collared Polo shirt, and brown loafers. All summer long he had been collecting teeth. His dental professor had instructed incoming students to collect as many teeth from dentists’ offices (or wherever you go to collect discarded teeth) as they could find. Beyond the tooth collection, maintaining his supply of hair gel, and waxing his arms and chest, Graham was into “healthy eating.” He frowned on Cynthia’s taste for Baskin Robbins’ brownie sundaes. “Fatty foods” were the enemy, so the sight of Cynthia behind the booth at Baskin Robbins at 11 p.m. on a Saturday stuffing herself with two overflowing scoops of vanilla peanut butter cup ice cream with hot fudge and whip cream, all atop a ready-made, amply-processed brownie sickened him. He and Vikki had stopped in for scoops of prudent sorbet and happened upon the scene. Laughing with the man working behind the counter, Cynthia was unabashed. “Well, I have a lot of deficiencies in my life to make up for.”

“Why are you friends with her?” Cynthia imagined Graham asking Vikki. “Because she’s funny,” Vikki probably answered. Funny and has the ability to keep her mouth shut long enough to listen to Vikki’s woes, thought Cynthia, though she knew her friend wouldn’t think to add that part, and maybe never noticed it herself. As the friend closest to Vikki who was the most introverted, she made an ideal lay psychotherapist. She was reflective enough to listen patiently in silence while Vikki cried to her about whoever or whatever had interrupted her comfort that day. That’s the trouble with people who described themselves as people persons, Cynthia thought. They like other people, but mainly so other people can listen to their problems.

Cynthia also thought then of her friend, Nancy, who called her at least every other day, sometimes with what Cynthia referred to as edge-of-the-bridge calls. As in, “I’m so depressed. On days like these, I don’t feel like going on. I just want somebody to tell me why I shouldn’t throw myself off a bridge.”  When she didn’t hear from her friend for more than a few days, it often meant she was in a mental hospital. Was this “people person” carried to its logical conclusion?  The person so reliant on others that the only thing that could break the attempt for contact was entry into a mental hospital?

Well, no use sticking around while Dip Shit comes over, Cynthia concluded, using the term of endearment she used for Graham when speaking to herself. The other she liked a lot was “Girly Man,” on account of his hypochondria and his favoring of many small, birdlike meals rather than the old fashioned, farm-fed three square meals a day ideal. He always eyed her cream cheese suspiciously. Also suspicious were the frozen macaroni and cheese and frozen pigs in the blanket she favored. He could use a few pigs under his blanket, Cynthia thought she’d advise him in as judicious way as possible. “How many pigs you got under there, Graham?” she dreamed of taunting him. “Have you checked your blood pressure yet today?  It’s the ‘silent killer,’ you know.” The last time she saw him was at the house he shared with three other men. Vikki had convinced her to help him write his paper. He kept asking Cynthia how he could return the favor, whether maybe they could all go out to dinner. “Well, you could just write your own paper and then you wouldn’t have to pay me back at all,” Cynthia had responded. “I don’t think you can ever pay someone back, anyway, for their lost time.”

“I’ll be in my room if you need me,” Cynthia called out to Vikki. Cynthia then settled in for a fruitful night of daydreaming, wondering at stars, counting the cracks in the sidewalk under her window, eavesdropping on the neighbors through the wall, racking up her mental list of those who had abused her over the years, and reading Vogue, William Blake, Mary Oliver, and Margaret Atwood, and tuning into The Doors, Neil Young, the White Stripes, Cream, and maybe reading a novel like Brideshead Revisited or Catch-22. Or trying her hand at watercolor painting via a children’s art kit. She was interrupted an hour into her lounging.

“Cynthia, I need you,” Vikki whispered through her cell phone. “I need you to get rid of Graham.”

“Get rid of Nutrition Boy?”

“Yeah. He’s in the bathroom now, but when he comes out, I thought you could come downstairs and revolt him.”

“Well, I won’t deny I’ve mastered the art of revulsion, but this is going to be particularly enjoyable. I have to ask you, though, why?”

“Oh, he’s boring me. I just want him to go away.”

“OK. That’s the way I’ve felt for a while. Glad you finally caught on. I’ll be right down.”

Cynthia didn’t bother to tinker with her appearance. All the better to be at her most ratty bohemian self, tie-dye ‘shroom tee shirt with stretched-out-of-shape and stained sweat pants and slippers. It was OK that she looked fit for a music festival or the mental hospital. That was the look she was going for. So much for middle-class cleanliness. She’d rather walk through puddles barefoot and greet her friend’s out-going boyfriend in what Cynthia referred to as “true-self attire.”

She took herself in her “true-self attire” down the hall to the livingroom, where she found Graham slouched on the sofa with his legs flopped lazily apart and a glass of Merlot in his left hand as his right hand worked at the television remote control, sampling yet another of his favorite idiot reality shows, this one about a group of strangers who have to work together to tame lionesses while choosing someone from said group to marry. It was called “Of Lionesses and Men.”

“Oh, hi, Graham,” she said grudgingly.

“Hi there Cynthia, what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing, just enjoying the full moon. You know it’s my time of she-wolfness.”  Vikki, who was in the little kitchen that adjoined the livingroom as she assembled a plate of strawberries, brie, and wheat crackers for Graham, stifled a laugh. She had asked for strange and strange was what her friend was delivering. She had rolled the strange out tonight like a welcome banner. And that’s exactly what she needed to get rid of this suitor her fickle taste had decided wasn’t interesting enough.

“Your ‘she-wolfness?’”

“Well, when the full moon is out, I project a facsimile of my inner self onto an open plain in the Midwest, but not as myself, but as a she-wolf with glistening wolfy-silver fur, and I  (as my she-wolf self) am joyously howling at the moon.” Cynthia had to control herself from cracking a smile. True, she adored wolves and often wondered what it would be like to howl at the moon, but the cliché of the full moon, and referring to herself as possessing “she-wolfness,” was too much to bear.

“Interesting,” Graham responded, uncomfortably fidgeting on the sofa. “Who knew part of you was a she-wolf?”

“Well, actually, there’s a more interesting story than that, and it isn’t about me.”

“One of the guys behind the counter at Baskin Robbins that you’ve bonded with over the years?”

“No,” laughed Cynthia, “but good guess. Actually, I was referring to my roommate and your special friend.”

“Vikki?”  Graham was not one to savor surprises. As a man who mapped out his lunch and hair gel needs two weeks out, the idea that there was anything titillating to be revealed about a girl he thought of as “safe” was not funny in the least. It was downright disturbing.

“As it turns out there’s more than there appears to our mutual friend.”

“Does she have a tattoo I don’t know about?” It was the only unseen thing Graham could imagine. That was the most shocking thing he could think of any girlfriend of his having. It both excited and repulsed him. The idea that there could be anything he couldn’t see that was a secret was impossible to consider. He prided himself on having a “scientific mind” that believed nothing existed until there was empirical evidence.

“No, it’s much better than that,” said Cynthia. “See that necklace?” she said, pointing to the chunky silver heart pendent around Vikki’s neck that almost had the shape of a lima bean. “It isn’t a regular necklace.”

“Did some other guy give it to her?”

“Kind of. If the FBI is a guy.”

“Oh, I get it,” he said, affecting a breezy laugh that was too forced to be breezy. “One of your ‘clever’ jokes.”

“Maybe and maybe that pendent has a microchip in it that she uses to spy on her peers with.” See, back in the ‘60s, the FBI became very suspicious of youth movements—the ones against the Vietnam War, the ones for civil rights. They were always talking about ‘agitators.’ Well, to combat these ‘agitators,’ they instituted a peer-to-peer spying program. Young people, about our age, would be recruited to wear listening devices on themselves somewhere, like on a dainty pendent around their neck, to track the goings on of potential agitators.”

“Well, Vikki wasn’t around back then,” said Graham, shuffling his weight back and forth, from one side of his body to the other as he wriggled around the couch. He was so neurotic, Cynthia thought to herself, that he was already starting to get nervous. She wondered if she should tell him the peer-spies were eating bacon while filing their reports to really put him over the edge.

“No, but that’s just when the program started. It’s been going on and on for years. And now Vikki is a part of it. All our conversation tonight has been recorded by a microchip in her pendant, and is going straight to the FBI.”

Vikki, who couldn’t help herself any longer, began giggling. “So, now they know you like Merlot better than Chardonnay, and all the big picture implications of that.”

“Well, Merlot is much healthier than Chardonnay. Studies have shown you’ll live longer if you drink one glass of red wine a night, but no such studies exist about white wine.” Final proof Graham lacked a sense of humor, or wasn’t very bright. Rather than questioning the story, he was already concerned about how he would come across to his FBI audience. God forbid any one think he endorsed unhealthy nutrition habits. Cynthia and Vikki exchanged winks as he rattled on about the superiority of red wine. And he continued to rattle on, in a way that suggested he might be nervously babbling. Who knows if he believed the FBI was listening to their conversation via Vikki’s pendant, but the story was making him uncomfortable. It seemed as if he was more scared of being around people who would make up a story than he was of the government eavesdropping on him in his girlfriend’s livingroom, using his girlfriend as a pawn. Fear of imagination factored into his unease, but more than that, he was worried the FBI wouldn’t approve of his food and beverage choices. What if an especially fit FBI agent overheard the recording, and thought he was unhealthy or gluttonous?

“Who cares whether Merlot is healthier than Chardonnay or tomatoes are better to eat than cottage cheese, but cottage cheese is better to eat than American cheese, but American cheese is a ‘much healthier option’ than French fries?” Cynthia asked, letting vent her frustration since her friend was about to get rid of Graham anyway.

“Well, naturally, a person likes to have his choices respected.”

“Why?”  Cynthia thought again about the problem with extraverts—their need to define themselves according to others. The expectations of others seemed to take the place of soul. If they lost the favor of “others” (whoever “others” happened to be at that moment), they seemed to believe life would lose its meaning, or that they would have failed it. How could you live your life eating cottage cheese if what you really wanted was Munster, wondered Cynthia, but you weren’t choosing Munster because your most frequent dining companions thought cottage cheese was superior, but only superior if finely grated Swiss were not available.

“Man is a social creature,” Graham began, imagining FBI agents listening in rapt attention to what he thought of as his intellectual ramblings, “And, as such, man considers what his fellow man thinks of him.”

Vikki and Cynthia couldn’t keep themselves from giggling, but Cynthia was growing angrier. “Who says man—or woman for that matter—is a ‘social’ being?  I’d still eat Chocolate Fudge Royale even if everyone told me they thought only devil mongerers ate it. And I’ll never go to the Ice and Dogs Friend-a-Thon. But I definitely would go to a Cat-a-Thon held at a creamery. “So how social am I?”

“Well, you’re obviously not normal. You’d be a happier person if you spent more time with others and less time thinking about yourself.”

“So, that’s what you’re doing, eh, when you go to bars at night?  Thinking of others?” Cynthia was annoyed, but forced herself to laugh as hard and loud as she could to get on Graham’s nerves as much as possible. “Your rounds at the bars are just part of your schedule of worthy philanthropies.”

Vikki, still behind the counter in the kitchen, seemed not to be enjoying the ruse as much. Could she be disturbed by the idea that her “social” self wasn’t entirely unselfish? She always chastised, like Graham had, Cynthia’s penchant for lonely nights with peanut butter ice cream and the New Yorker magazine for accompaniment. Cynthia would reply without hesitating and without embarrassment that no human being she had ever met equaled those two luxuries put together. “Well, I don’t know, bar hopping could be a philanthropy,” Vikki suggested. “What if you were raising money for charity while doing the bar hopping, or trying to cheer up a depressed friend?  Or maybe your philanthropy could be the bartender. He needs someone to talk to, too. And needs tips.”

“Yeah, I agree about the tips part,” said Cynthia. “Anyway, back to the FBI in the pendant. Well, you know, Graham, the FBI has told us you bar hop irregularly and choose bars with unhealthy liquors. They’re doing an investigation.”

“Ha-ha,” he said, catching on at least enough to feign a sense of humor (wouldn’t want to be perceived as not having one, after all). “How do they feel about your anti-social behavior?”

“They were worried about my activities involving Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but decided against pursuing me. I cut a deal with them.”

“Vikki, do you also believe it’s your duty to humanity to socialize with it (or them?)?” Cynthia was getting that alienated-everyone-likes-people-except-me feeling, and thought her friend might throw her an anti-social bone—maybe she might admit that even an extravert can grow weary of people sometimes.

“No, I just like them. I think they’re funny and would rather watch TV with them than without them.”

“I prefer fictional characters,” said Cynthia. “They’re usually more interesting, and don’t take up the part of the couch you want to put your feet up on.”

“Well, all I’m saying,” Vikki said, “is sometimes you need people to open doors for you. When you’re carrying heavy packages, and the door you need to open is one of those kinds with the handle that needs to be turned at the same time you put the key into the lock, people aren’t that bad.”

Graham was delving into his cheese and crackers and sniffing his wine. He always seemed to enjoy wine and cheese more, he often told Vikki, if he took the time “to savor the experience.” Cynthia always laughed at his pretension, and thought it wasn’t the experience he enjoyed, but, rather, the experience of having others observe his culinary acumen. It was important to him to be viewed as an epicurean and sophisticate. Cynthia, on the other hand, was happy to announce that she loved nothing better than eating crunchy peanut butter straight from the jar. “That’s just the kind of sophisticate I am,” she would joke.

“Maybe if you sniff long enough your nose will get stuck in the glass, and that way the experience will last longer,” Cynthia said to Graham. “Can you see your reflection in there?”

Graham reddened a little, but didn’t say anything. He kept his face down, looked into the glass of wine, and swished it around, as if maybe hoping his reflection would appear.

“Actually,” said Cynthia, not bothering to wait for a response, figuring it would be banal anyway, “if you could see your reflection in there maybe you could get in a little introspection.

“I inspect myself all the time, ” he said, finally smiling a little.

“I guess so. I know that gym you go to has mirrors all around it, and I suppose you probably look in the mirror when you wax your arms.”

Well, she felt bad about that one, Cynthia had to admit to herself. Despite her dread of humanity, she didn’t like anyone’s sadness or discomfort hanging on her conscience. She was conscious enough of her own issues; she didn’t need anyone else’s weighing her down. His ways repulsed her, but she regretted embarrassing him before the words had left her mouth—well, maybe as the words were leaving her mouth. She did say them, after all.

“I take pride in my appearance, that’s all,” he said. “I hope the FBI takes that down.”

Vikki, who had finally stopped futzing in the kitchen, and had settled in an armchair to the side of the sofa where Graham was seated with his wine and cheese, laughed, apparently glad he had found some humor in the situation. She was slightly disappointed, though, that he was still there. The conversation had become strange and awkward thanks to the creativity and oddity of her roommate, yet he remained, patiently sipping at his wine and inspecting the cheese. She wondered if he had caught onto their ruse and was remaining out of spite.

“Sometimes I think the best boyfriend would be a dog without fur,” said Vikki, mimicking for a moment Cynthia’s take on the world. Maybe what Graham needed was to be repulsed directly by her to leave. “I’d like it if he would hide bones for me, and then dig them up as surprises for the holidays. It would be kind of different.”

Graham laughed, and didn’t seem to mind, but his eyes crinkled as if he were thinking of something very important. “Could I be a golden retriever? “

“Why a golden retriever?” Vikki asked.

“Everybody likes them,” he said.

“So you don’t care if you’re a dog, as long as everybody likes you?” asked Cynthia.

“Yeah, I’d just focus on finding the best bones, and getting my owners to take me to the best dog runs.”

“You realize you’d have to sniff the asses of other dogs, right?” asked Vikki, in a last attempt to gang up on him with Cynthia.

“Well, mine would smell the best. I’d just be sure to get in with the dogs with the asses that smell the way they’re supposed to. You have to be careful when your ass is your business card.”

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Horses’ Journal

Dawn horse

mane in sunrise

the hooves

pound out light,

the tail

swishes at colored

clouds,

with obscurity

rising with an unseen

sun

with the dawn horse

kicking up dust

on her morning

stampede.

————————————————-

A horse can be confused

with God

dragging you along

on his stampede

raising dust

and having you

emerge on his back

from clouds

of earth—

and dust—

he creates

on his path.

————————————————-

A fancy horse

of a particular breed—

everyone knows

how my tail should look

everyone

remarks on my ears

pointed forward.

People like to keep me

in their farmed-in

fences

exotic and only having

one kind of blood

in me.

———————————————————

My mane

my mane

don’t abuse

my mane

in wind—

not to be used

as a pullee

or rein

or cord

to signal

stops—

but to be admired

for my

mustang self.

————————————————-

The owner of the ranch

likes to inspect me

every third Tuesday

of the month.

He likes to know

my hooves are clean

and my running

and hauling

capacity

are secure.

————————————————————

My tail swishing

keeps time

to the fenced-in line

I run around —

put through

my paces

knowing the riders

are waiting to circle

the yard again

rather than leave

the ranch.

——————————————————-

I’ll work hard for you

your chestnut mare

with hooves

raised up

tracking the race

waiting to be slotted

into position

to run.

———————————————–

Course oats

you expect me

to run this race for you

despite the absence

of sugar cubes.

—————————————————–

Dread of the saddle—

why do I

have to be harnessed?

I don’t mind

the riders

and the hauling

chores

but why do I need

to be weighed down

with accessories?

———————————————–

Good to be

in the pasture

but my stall mates

are calling me

back to the barn.

I share my stall

with some

non-horses

but I promise

not to let

their pig-selves

trouble me.

———————————————–

My head down

focused

on the trail

I barely feel

the whip

at my back.

———————————————

My carriage

bucked;

the parade

I let pass

me by;

I even evaded

the plowing

fields.

I stand upright now

against your fence

out the gates

of the ranch.

——————————————————

Crushing dandelions

tulips

pushed aside

our horse-selves push

forward

into the stable

locked inside

being readied.

——————————————

Green gardens

the fringes

of violets

lilies

the peonies

I can’t bend to smell;

the hog

at the fence’s edge.

My daily sustenance

is all I can

take in.

—————————————————————-

Halting

with your pull

the push

in my sprint

out horse

powers you—

wanting me

to guide you back

to the barn

for my grooming,

I think a jaunt

down the oaks

elms

pines

maples

and groves

is preferable.

——————————————————-

Death

to the rider

who went

to battle

on my back

using my strength

to puncture

an enemy

I never met

and using

my hooves

to trample

strangers.

———————————————————–

The path

you shed

your bouquets

down

I trot around

not forgetting

to step lightly

over the petals.

————————————————

My reins

pulled by an unseen

rider

my hooves

tired but continuing

on gravel,

I have no carriage

no place

for you to sit

on your journey

but you can accompany

me

on my side;

my companion

rider.

————————————————–

Dogs at our heels

I know my trail.

The nipping of hunting

dogs

doesn’t frighten me—

I step over brush

looking for sustenance

and tolerate

bridle and reins

when pulled

by friendly arms.

——————————————————–

I would relinquish

you

by tossing you off

my back

not caring

as you tumbled

into the woods

with copperheads.

But you held

the reins lightly

let me

stop to bend

my head to grass

to eat

all day

not caring

if we got anywhere.

So, I’ll let get you round

the mountain—

not down

the side on your own.

———————————————-

Why the trail

and not

the mountain

top?

Why trot the trail

and not

gallop up

the mountain

top?

The trails end

at the estate’s gate;

my galloping path

just leads up.

——————————————————–

Mad because

of the fire

and being forced

to go forward

in a panic,

I dream

of throwing you

abandoning

your trail

in favor of fleeing

the fire and snakes

and all the other things

that frighten me

that you force me

into.

————————————————————

Hope springs

but not like my eternal

hooves

marching past your ranch

back to the woods.

I may come back again

to circle you

but to leave you

again too.

———————————————————-

The balance

I struck

to carry you

on my back

I begrudged you—

uphill to a locked house

you had the key to.

You let yourself

in;

you made yourself tea.

You left me wandering

the ranch

in search of a barn

or a pleasant

field of grass.

——————————————————–

Skeletons

heaped in the wagon

you called me

in the Black Death

days

to carry you

to the burial grounds.

A horse

out-of-pasture

I’d still be

carousing open fields

traversing woods

but you set me

to this wagon

dragging the dead

from your parlor

to  the city

death pile.

—————————————————

Try to gallop

even if you’re just

asked to walk

around the farm’s perimeter.

The gallop

may force off

your rider

releasing you for a few minutes

from the circles.

———————————————————-

The season’s up

the vacationers

have taken me out

asked me to jump

hike

carry them

to sunbathe

and watch

the sea.

But now

I have other plans—

my hooves

stomping up and down

in my stall

I’m eyeing

the outer reaches

of the woods and plains—

NOT your ranch—

for my winter.

————————————————————

Trotting up

a thorn was in

my hoof.

My mane

was pulled

my ears

twitched in time

to the leaves moving

and the driver

on my back

didn’t hear anything

but my pace

ascending the mountain.

—————————————————————–

Glad to have

my mane

too bad

about your feet—

you could never

move

commensurate

with my hooves.

And your hair

is tidy

but doesn’t

flow as well

with the wind

as mine.

——————————————————

Be a horse

before it’s too late;

stampede

across the lawn

eat your neighbor’s

grass and apples

before he gets the chance

to pick them.

Be a horse

before you’re saddled

asked to ride

guided paths

and taken back

every night

to a closed stall.

———————————————————–

When your hooves

feel the too familiar

paths being pulled

into you,

and your rider is guiding

you around the mountain

in repetition

walk too close

to the canyon’s edge

and see if your rider

and your hooves

keep balance.

———————————————————–

My hooves

watch the hooves

of the horses

ahead of me

wondering when

the fence will appear

they can’t

jump

or think

they can jump

but not as fast

as me

with my rider

thrown off.

————————————————————-

A toy horse

isn’t the same

as me

even when you wind her

up to run a track

around your Christmas tree.

It’s only me

when I’m outside

the fence and given

the room to jump past

your ranch’s gates.

—————————————————

You had the nerve

to pull my mane

as though it were

an extension

of the reins

you force me

to wear.

Guided by you

I’d end up

in a ravine.

So that’s why

I like throwing you

so much.

A broken leg

an out-of-alignment

back

may eventually

teach you—

“learn you”—

to stop abusing

my mane.

—————————————————

You kick my sides

because you say

I’m a horse

but I think

you just like

to kick.

Kicking up dust

I hope to keep you

in  a cloud

of my making—

opaque—

so you can’t find

the reins.

—————————————————

The hurricane

that swept through

didn’t knock

me off your ranch

unfortunately.

Waiting

for the gates

to blow open

I stalled

stuck inside

the barn’s

allotted space

waiting

for the flood.

————————————————————

The saddle

feels

like it shouldn’t

be there.

The harness

doesn’t let me

find my herd

of mustangs.

I just keep

allowing you

to lead me

circling.

—————————————————————–

I’m a calf

but in the glass

I see only

the open landscapes

beyond your fence.

My young horse

face

my mother

the other

horses

I don’t see—

I see

the yellowing grasses

the moon rising

the dogs

gone to hunt

in the opening to the woods

I see

just past me.

—————————————————————–

That they gave me

a garland to wear

around my neck

was unimpressive.

I’m just glad

really really

glad

they remembered

to bring along

my stall-mate,

the pot-belly pig.

All they cared about

was that I ran

fast and well enough

to earn them money.

But I cared

about my friend

the pot-belly pig

in the stall

beside me.

—————————————————————

Your glass

didn’t tip over

as you rode—

thanks

to my smooth strides.

Did you enjoy

your calm

altitudes

in my saddle?

The way I kept

clopping

as you rudely

tugged the reins?

I kept to the set trot

to reach the top

of your hill.

But you’ll find

a shift—

a run downward

shaking maybe

the goblet

from your hand.

———————————————————

Touch the path

touch the path

with my hooves

but not your feet.

Why do you

expect me

to do

your walking

for you?

————————————————————–

Leprechauns

small trolls

tinier fairies

and a fat man

on my back

as I gallop

through the woods.

Seeing magical

creatures in the wood

despite the fat man

on my back.

————————————————————

The storm coming

I circled

the ranch

but you kept

pulling my reins

to move forward

while I circled

signaling you

it’s best to take

shelter.

——————————————————-

Dancing

my mane

rising with the breeze

I’m horsey

yet light on my hooves.

Your bulky frame

taking up saddle space

the cha-cha

mambo

tango

with one-

two-one-two

kick

will dip you

off my back.

—————————————————

Making the jump

I didn’t care

to look back

to see you

waving at friends

and feeling proud

so I didn’t notice

you fell off—

I just kept

running.

——————————————————————-

The closet

didn’t open

though I made it

inside

my hooves

straining against

the too-small

doorway

my girth

straining

along the halls

reaching

the closet

with the keys

to the stables

the keys

to the ranch’s gates.

—————————————————————

Why do I have to

take you to your

pilgrimage?

I long

just to sun

my mane

swish my tail

and look for oats.

I hate spending

the day

taking you to your religious

pilgrimage.

Pilgrimages

are so hard

on the hooves.

——————————————————————-

Destroying the hay—

the fire

destroyed the hay

so I’ve been

roaming around

the fence

looking

for weeds.

———————————————————————-

The nearsighted

rancher

decided I was

a thin, tall

cow

so he mis-herded me—

as I fight

for stray

patches of grass

with cows

my mare self

eyes off

the sides

of the proper herd

edging in.

—————————————————————

Sorry your ride

was unpleasant.

You confused the blue sky

with my back.

I threw you

creating

my own storm.

————————————————————————

My saddle isn’t

comfortable

today

and the fence’s

line

is giving me

a headache

or ache

of the mane.

The trees ringing

your property

don’t let me

see the sunset.

——————————————————————–

The dogs

follow us up the mountain

as if

they don’t trust me—

after I’ve been carrying

you

up these hills

for years.

The dogs

follow to ensure

I don’t get a piece

of the hunt.

————————————————————————–

I have a small

graceful

neck

but I am not

an Arabian horse;

I run fast

and am stately

but I am not

a race horse;

I walk upright

like equine

royalty

but I am not

a show horse.

I am just me.

—————————————————————————

Caterpillars

move out of the way

for me

the flies

land on me

and I swish

my tail

but can’t get rid

of them.

The pests remain

but the things

interesting

like caterpillars

birds

cats

racoons

and other land

animals

move away from me.

————————————————————————

Bending down

I can see my mane

wavering

in the stream,

the footsteps

of the rest of the herd

wavering too

as they stampede

past me.

——————————————————————–

Seagulls over head

stuck on the fenced-in

ranch

watching the gliding

sea

birds go to sea

waiting for my stall

to be cleaned

and to be led

back in

the bar

to the door

slung shut.

————————————————————————————–

The golden horse

with the sun

on the hill

galloping into

shadows

not sure

when I see him

if it’s his mane

or a ghost

on his shoulder.

————————————————————————

The dirt path

doesn’t contain

enough snakes

for my taste.

I’d like an excuse

to get spooked

to throw you.

———————————————————————

Why this horse

I have to share my path with?

Your hooves

move too slow

and the flies

you attract

swarm me

instead.

———————————————————–

My horse feet

stumble toward

the equator

looking for heat.

An ancient man’s

transport,

I’m the aid

on the path

to his destiny

or death.

————————————————————–

Riding home

solitary

no rider

but myself

taking the fences

for myself

deciding

not to

shut myself

in the barn.

—————————————————————————-

The devil

knows my mane

but I know

my tail.

I know the trail

follows behind

me

looking out—

as I take

good care

of the tail—

for my rear.

——————————————————————

The chrysanthemums

are under hooves

the last of the

blooming season’s

flowers

are under hooves.

Enjoying the colors

on my stampede,

I’m sad to see

you’ve scooped

a few, rider,

for your vase.

——————————————————–

Rain keeps

my riders

on their porch

which suits me.

Rain

beading my mane

my tail sloshing

against the trees

I broke loose

while the riders

lulled

on their porch

my hooves

crossing

impromptu rivers.

——————————————————————

You chat up

competing riders

I’d like to race past.

You insist

on riding side-by-side

with them

despite my

contrarian pull

to gallop.

———————————————————————

The white mark

on my nose

the patches

on my back legs

my mottled back

makes me

unfit for horse

shows

and unmatching

the herd.

Unfortunately,

I’m still

tapped by the obese

for riding.

—————————————————————-

The stars

twinkle on my ride

and I wish

my hooves

were on a moony

trek

instead of trudging

the dirt

to the stall and back.

—————————————————–

The rope

is OK

but not

when strapped

to my neck

by you.

I tried to enjoy

the mountain

and looked forward

to the view

but you kept

pulling me

to your path

instead of mine.

—————————————————————–

Compromising mine

I’ve chosen

to work against you—

finding ways

of sliding you

from me

down a crevasse.

—————————————————————-

My water trough

is empty

but I’d rather

go thirsty

than have you

fill it for me.

———————————————————–

The march

to get your gun

I’m asked to help you with

asked to carry you

to the kill.

—————————————————————–

The saddle

of my choosing

had little flowers

stitched along the seams.

The dirty one

you put on me

fits but doesn’t

suit me.

If I throw you

it’ll be

to get the flower seams

back in place.

——————————————————————-

If you’ve ever been

a horse

or the mountain

the horse

has to climb

or the stall

and the latch

shutting the horse in

or the man

keeping the horse

as animal-worker

or you’ve

even shared

the barn with

a being

asked to ferry

soldiers

or police

to the protest

you’d know

what I mean

about how it’s

better to spend time in the unclipped

grasses

wading

with the wind.

—————————————————————–

The rainbow

doesn’t frighten me

so why

does it dissuade you?

My padlock

key holder

rider

always drives me

into hale

storms

circling clouds

dust rising.

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Mythical Animal at the Coffee Machine

I got a Snickers bar forgetting my role as a mythical animal. I knew mythical animals should stick to foods grown in gardens, but I just wasn’t in the mood, so I slunk to the vending machine. I wondered if I would be noticed, and figured if I was, so little is known about the eating habits of mythical animals that it wouldn’t make any difference.

I heard people happy in the morning, asking each other about their weekends and probably making up stories (I was mythical, so I assumed everyone else was, too, and was just pretending otherwise).

“Oh, it was nice, we went down to the South Street Seaport, and they were having a street fair down there…”

“It was OK—we helped my father-in-law move into a new condo in Park Slope…”

“It was great! My sister was in town, and we went to this new club down in Tribeca—Capital R—and we stayed until they were ready to close…”

They didn’t see me, so my Snickers eating and coffee drinking didn’t offend them. As a mythical animal, I wanted to be glamorous and other worldly, and didn’t think it was exotic enough to eat Snickers bars and drink coffee in the morning. I should be off in a swamp somewhere like the Loch Ness Monster, or out foraging in a remote valley for rare berries.

Lacking rare berries, I skulked unseen to my cubicle. I had a window and liked to stare at the people across the street having meetings. I could easily see into a meeting room with a white, modern, almost plastic-looking table, two sofas and abstract artwork on the wall. A girl with a long, blond ponytail usually presided over the meetings, and the people she met with usually would smile and nod their heads at her and didn’t appear to say much. Either she was their boss or they thought she was so dumb they were just humoring her. A lot of times she would stand up, rather than sit down, behind her desk, as she spoke to them, and they would remain sitting and nodding and smiling.

In nearly a year of staring, they never once looked back at me, violating that phenomenon of the stared-at-the-back–of-the-head somehow feeling a stranger’s eyes on them, and reflexively turning to stare back.

“Gary is out today, do you want to look through his drawers to see if he left any spare change around?” Linda, the girl who sat in the next cubicle over, said to a work friend. “I’d like to stock up on my Hershey rations.”

I, meanwhile, had gravitated away from the window and into my work, calculating owed payments from the last month. I didn’t report to anyone in the office because my boss, Gladys, was based at another location, and I didn’t work with anyone else in the company, so I just e-mailed my completed tasks to Gladys, or texted her questions. Otherwise, I was left to my numbers and the write-ups of meetings and upcoming events I was charged with.  I was a public relations manager, so I spent my days alternating between writing press releases, and once a month, submitting accruals of money we owed event contractors.

My latest assignment—behind the accrual of numbers—was to promote a charity event for a new irrigation system. So I spent an hour or two  super-imposing eyeballs into cactuses. I also sifted through photos of dead leaves looking for just the right crevice to insert my eyeballs into. Nobody interrupted me in my work, looking for dead or dried up pieces of nature to insert my eyeballs into.

“Is it raining yet?” Emily Stone, an office mate, said.  “I want to go to the gym after work, but if it’s raining, I think I’ll just go straight home because I forgot my umbrella.” She was talking to Greg Norse, who sat next to her. The two of them sat on the opposite side of the cubicle wall to me. They had walked around to my cubicle, which had a window, but they had looked over (or under) me, straight out the window without acknowledging me. I didn’t mind that they didn’t acknowledge me because it helped me retain my mythology.

My eyeballs set to dried-up plants, I turned away from the screen in front of me, and began inspecting the florescent landscape. The office was washed in grays, and the aroma of lemony disinfectant was in the air. One of my coworkers was phobic of dust, and so at least a few times a day sprayed his cubicle with “all-natural” cleaning solution. It made my eyes burn, which was odd, I thought, since it’s supposed to be “all-natural.” In a way it made sense, though. Given my status as “the other,” things that didn’t hurt most people, hurt me.

The turquoise flowers Glinda tacked to her wall last week, across the cubicle aisle from me, stared unseeing at me, not unlike the people around me. There were abstract eyes weaved into the center of the flowers. I felt comforted knowing they could stare at me but not see me.  A lot of our co-workers thought the unseeing eyes were creepy, but they were the norm to me as a mythical animal.

“Your eyeball flowers are creeping me out,” Hillary, one of the other girls sitting around us, said to Glinda. “It reminds me of one of those paintings where the eyes follow you, only this is much worse because the eyes aren’t connected to a person. They’re just stuck inside a flower.”

The disembodied eyes did follow the observer everywhere, but I saw them as no different than the people across the way in the view from my window. I saw them, tracked their movements, but if they looked back at my window, they gave no indication that they noticed me.

“Why would a flower need eyes?” Hillary said. “What does it need to see anyway? All it does all day is grow and wait for bees to come along.”

Why does anyone need eyes, I wondered to myself. I worked alongside people like Glinda and Hillary, and they never noticed me, anymore than the eyeballed flower noticed them. The florescent lights glaring down on me, I looked up, and noticed a few of them flickering, which reminded me of stars twinkling at night. With the daylight from the windows and the florescent illumination overhead, I felt that it was too bright to distinguish anything. If it’s dark outside, and there’s just a little light here and there, from a stray lit-up window, a full moon, or a gathering of bright stars, particular things are pointed out to you—like a spotlight on a stage in a darkened theatre.

Maybe my mythical self was too much the same color as the lighting overhead, so I blended into the cubicle walls and the windowpanes. I thought maybe people who were far away, like the workers across the way in that other building could see me if I stared at them long enough. Maybe I was like a painting that you have to stand back from to fully see.

That’s when I decided to start slinking around more instead of doing my work. I was always so reliable maybe that was the problem. Nobody bothered to think of me because they could take it for granted that I would turn my assignments in on time, and that there was no need to worry about me. I was punished for my superiority. My grandness as an employee turned me into a mythical creature.

So, I got up and began rustling papers on the edge of Glinda’s desk, the way an animal in the woods might slink up to the parameter of a person’s backyard and begin riffling through the hedges or nosing around in the garbage.  “Somebody looks as though she’s been neglecting her skin,” I said as loud as I could, knowing the kind and gentle rarely were noticed. “I think you’ve been washing your face with sandpaper, Glinda.”

“Did you hear something, Hillary? It sounded like a woodpecker outside, or one of those birds with an annoying cawing sound.”

I knew I was mythological, but never thought of myself as part of the bird family. I thought I was more closely related to the Loch Ness Monster. Except, of course, that I had better taste. I began knocking on Glinda’s desk, and changed my tact, now insulting her work. “This work really isn’t your best, dear,” I said sarcastically.

“There it is again!” Glinda said. “It’s that weird bird sound again, like a bird that’s been injured and can’t fly up off the sidewalk.”

Well, I kind of felt like a crippled bird, but looking at myself in the long mirror in the ladies room (I was a female mythical animal), I never noticed any feathers. I didn’t think I had wings because I never got any place fast, so how could I be flying?

They were mistaken about my bird status, but it was possible I was some other non-human being they felt free to only see in their peripheral vision. How about a unicorn galloping at the edge of the woods, or here in the city, at the edge of the stores’ entrances? Or maybe a centaur shaking down the vending machine in the copy room because her second candy bar of the day got stuck?

I banged the vending machine as hard as I could, and the eyes of those around me fixed on the Snicker’s dangling mid-candy bar row, but looked past me again. “Weird,” Steve, one of our accountants, said who sat nearby. “It’s the haunted vending machine.” Another co-worker wondered, laughing, if we were having an earthquake.

With commotions and negative commentary getting me nowhere, I decided the thing to do would be to start stealing. I would jamb the engagement ring of a gal named Bethany who sat around the corner from me into the vending machine.

She usually took off her ring to wash her hands, so I would follow her into the ladies room, steal the ring and then find a crevice in the vending machine to drop it into, so along with Milky Ways, Twizzler’s and potato chips, you could insert a few coins for a chance to win a diamond engagement ring. If I acted soon, the machine couldn’t be opened and the ring easily retrieved because the repairman was on vacation. Ordinarily, you could call the vending machine company to help out with something like this, but our company was so cheap, it bought the machine from a vending supplier who was now out of business, and had it stocked with leftovers from the CEO’s home. One time we even noticed miniature bottles of Scope and packets of Lactaid alongside the candy. I guess he thought he was doing us a favor while at the same time cleaning out his medicine chest.

The lodging of the engagement ring in the vending machine interested me because it was something Bethany was always waving around and smiling about, and getting noticed for. As a mythical animal whose existence had not yet been recognized, I was very resentful of that attention. Why should a sparkling ring garner so much recognition when my stampedes and habitat were so brilliant?

My markings must offer me camouflage like a zebra’s stripes or a leopard’s spots, but when I looked at my reflection, I only saw plain flesh-colored skin. However it happened, I was effectively camouflaged to those around me, so sidling around the corner at the sink counter in the ladies room and snatching the ring wouldn’t be hard.

Bethany, as I contemplated my plans, stared at her ring, holding it up closer to the florescent lights on the ceiling, twirling her hand this way and that. She once joked that she stared at it so much people were going to begin to think she was a mental patient.

When she got up from her desk, I followed at her heels—she wore that over-done red-bottom-of-the-shoes fashion—following her straight into the stinky ladies room.

She stopped to admire herself—her newly ringed self—in the long mirror. She twirled her hand and then walked back and forth like a strutting peacock, watching her reflection to see what her ring would look like as she strolled down the street. “Yoo-hoo, oh Bethany,” I said, as though I were hollering into a canyon or an empty hallway that echoes easily. “Do you hear me?  I’m going to steal your wonderful new ring and hang it by the potato chips in the vending machine so anyone who wants can extract it for 85 cents.”

She began happily (or nervously?) humming to herself, taking off her ring and washing it, as she did several times a day. She had just gotten the ring last week, and was still excited enough about it to act like that. She was like a teenage boy who kept washing and waxing his new car.

She slipped the ring off her finger, and began rubbing it under the water (she didn’t trust the ladies room soap enough to squirt any of it on her prized gem), and swaying from left to right, as if she were swaying to music (or as if she were agitated?).  When she turned her back to gaze one more time in the long mirror, I reached out my hand, paw, or whatever it is you’d call a mythical animal’s appendages, and snatched it.

I twirled it along my index finger, and then my ring finger, seeing what it felt like to be marked by someone else’s possession. I didn’t feel bad for having taken it because I didn’t think it was worthwhile to be marked by possession and, also, because I didn’t think it meant anything more to Bethany than any other attention-getting piece of fashion.

I held the ring in my hand, winding all my fingers around it, balling my hand into a first around it, and walked out the bathroom door.  “Oh, tra, la, la, la, I’ve got Bethany’s ring, and, oh, tra, la, la, I’m going to hang it in the vending machine like a bag of potato chips,” I sang as loudly as I could, with no response.

Bethany was still in the lady’s room, so probably hadn’t realized yet that she’d lost it. I wondered how much hysteria there would be, and whether the opportunity to insert my presence would finally arrive. As soon as I heard the clacking of her heels down the hall, back to her desk, I sashayed there (mythical animals like to transport themselves in style), and lingered, waiting for her to notice there was something she was missing.

She got back to work for a minute or two, typing into her computer, and then all of a sudden she gasped. As she went for her mug of herbal tea with her left hand, she must have finally noticed what was gone.  “Where’s my ring?” she asked with an increasingly rising voice. “I must have left it along the sink in the bathroom.” She shoved her chair back and ran back down the hall to check. I, meanwhile, laughed, twirling the ring around my forefinger. It’s horrible to lose something, or to take something you enjoyed taking, but have no use for. But it’s funny nonetheless.  Well, I have to admit, I was having fun with it, though I knew there was nothing for me to do with an engagement ring.

When she came clamoring down the hall a minute or two later, raking her hand through her hair, rubbing her hands back and forth, and pulling at her fingers with reddening face and eyes, I looked to the Snicker’s, Three Musketeers and Milky Way rack in the vending machine.

I didn’t have to prowl or even hide the ring up my sleeve. I held my forefinger high in the air, continuing to twirl the ring as I marched to the candy bar rack of the vending machine. On my tippy toes, I tried to insert the ring into the machine, and when that failed, I stood on top of a box filled with office supplies and slipped it in, stretching and angling my hand until the ring looped over the rack with the hanging Snickers bars.

“I don’t know what could have happened, this is crazy!” I heard Bethany wail. When I rounded the corner back to my cubicle, I saw her pacing up and down the aisle next to her workstation, frantically rubbing her hands together. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do,” she said, her voice choking with a sob.

“Bethany,” I said, standing right behind her. “Why don’t you get yourself a Milky Way Bar or a bag of potato chips to make yourself feel better?  Chocolate and potato chips are good way to mourn the loss of an engagement ring, especially ‘cause you have to tell your fiancé about it tonight.”  I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

“I need chocolate,” Bethany said. “I just got a bad craving for it.”  She darted her head around and looked across the office, as if she thought she heard something but wasn’t sure.

I heard her coins jangling against the inside of the vending machine, and wondered when she would notice the additional “snack” among the candy bars.  She kept turning her head to the side, seeing “me” maybe in her peripheral vision, but deciding to ignore or doubt what she saw. I say “me” rather than plain me because I was mythical, and as a mythical animal, I didn’t know myself whether I existed.

I heard Bethany smacking her lips as she ate her Milky Way bar, and at the same time, I heard high-pitched squeals from the copy room, where the vending machine was.  It was Jill from Data magazine, a publication devoted to the needs of data analysts. She didn’t know about Bethany’s lost ring, but she did happen to spot a $10,000 diamond engagement ring alongside the Snickers. In fact, as luck would have it, she put 85 cents into the vending machine, and she got a two for one—a Snicker’s bar plus an engagement ring. No bad dates required, and chocolate to boot.

Jill trotted out of the copy room in the orthopedic clogs she always favored—and which she had painted a design of clouds and snails on—and announced to everyone her great luck. “I got a Snicker’s plus an engagement ring for 85 cents!”

Bethany cheered up at the news her ring had been found.

“Jill, you have no idea how relieved I am!” Bethany said, extending her left hand toward Jill, and sighing with a laugh. “So, where did you find it?”

“It was in with the Snickers bars in the vending machine.”

“But I was there just a few minutes ago to get my Milky Way!” Bethany said.  “I don’t know how I could have missed it.”

“Yeah, a diamond ring usually stands out in a crowd of candy bars,” Jill said.

“Well, the important thing is you found it!” Bethany said breathlessly. “I’m very grateful!  So, where is it?”

“In my drawer, all locked up and safe,” Jill said.

“Well, thank you very much for taking such good care of it!” Bethany said. “I hate to ask, but would you mind getting it for me before I forget?”

Bethany was trying to be as nice as possible, which was touching considering that I never thought much of her as a human being. Us mythical animals don’t feel a kinship with most humans. So, to see one acting kind of nice was a happy surprise.

“I was thinking it was mine now,” Jill said without laughing.  “After all, I was the one who saw it among the Snickers. You were there just a few minutes before me and didn’t see it. You’d think if it was yours, you would have spotted it right away.”

“This is ridiculous!” Bethany said. “Everyone around here has seen me wearing it!”

“But why didn’t you see it in with the candy bars in the vending machine like I did?”

“I can’t believe this!” Bethany said, beginning to whimper and pace back and forth.  “I don’t know—maybe my eyes aren’t as good at seeing details as yours.”

“I don’t know how you could miss a diamond ring hanging on a rack with candy bars. It seems like one of those things that anybody would notice.”

“I don’t know, I don’t know, I just know that’s my ring!” Bethany yelped, starting to sob with frustration. “I’m going to talk to HR about this.”

I was enjoying the scene quite a bit, especially since it “appeared” that no one saw me. Well, it was bittersweet, I suppose. No one saw me, and I had hoped hanging the ring on the Snicker’s bar wrack would finally bring attention to myself.  But on the other hand, I was enjoying that fantasy of being a fly on the wall when something really funny happens—it’s even more funny because no one knows you’re there listening, and, so, no one alters their behavior. You get a chance to see people as they really are in a silly crisis.  Jill was smacking her lips as she ate the Snicker’s bar. The ring drama hadn’t made a dent in her appetite, and she didn’t care about Bethany’s angst. I started back to my cubicle to be unseen watching the blond pony tail girl and her work group across the way through their enormous glass windows.

“Hey you,” I heard just as I turned on my heel (or hoof?). “Pretty funny, huh?” Jill said to me. “Bethany is such a spoiled brat, who cares about her anyway?  I’m sure he’ll just buy her another one. She gets whatever she wants in life.”

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